


Something to Live For

by serafina20



Series: Something More Important [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F, F/M, Genderqueer Character, rule!63
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-04 15:30:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12773982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serafina20/pseuds/serafina20
Summary: Waking up seventy years in the future, Steve struggles to find her place.  This takes place during and afterThe Avengersand beforeSomething to Wait For.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Movie dialogue comes from fullmovietext.com and imsdb.com.

Steve never had been good with words. She’d always preferred to draw. There was nothing, no words, no emotions, no desires that she couldn’t express through her art. When Bucky had gone to war, she’d drawn for him, sending him bits and pieces of home. When she’d been on tour for the USO, she’d recorded every bit of the journey with pictures. And when she’d been at war…

Her art wasn’t always pleasant, but art wasn’t always pleasant. It satisfied a need. It’d kept her sane.

Which was why she was going insane now. Here she was, seventy years in the future, and she couldn’t draw a line. Nothing. Not even a dot. She’d take out the sketchbook Fury had gotten her, on her request, and sit and stare at the blank page, pencil in hand. She had nothing in her. She’d tried to draw what she’d seen the day she first escaped into the city, but it wouldn’t come. She’d tried to recall Peggy’s face, and while every detail of her expression was burned in Steve’s mind, it wouldn’t come out of the pencil. Same with Bucky. Same with everything.

She couldn’t breathe. She walked around with this panicked feeling in her chest, something stretched and dried out. Her heart hammered all the time and her stomach turned slow circles. Her brain felt slow and dumb and her fingers were dead.

There was nothing inside her anymore. Nothing but panic and anger.

The anger was easier to deal with. Fury got her a punching bag. And, when she’d destroyed that, a whole fleet of them. And so her days fell into a routine. She’d get up. Wander the city, searching for something familiar. Then, not finding it, she’d come back to the apartment in Brooklyn SHEILD had given her, go down the street to the gym they’d set up for her, and pummel the bags until she was exhausted.

The gym was great. She could be there well into the night and no one cared.

Tonight, her thoughts whirled. Over and over again, remembering the Red Skull and the cube. The world it had opened up when the Red Skull had touched it, and how he’d disintegrated into that world.

She punched the bag harder. Faster.

She remembered the panic she’d felt when she’d realized there wasn’t enough time to divert the plane. Peggy’s voice telling her there was another way, to wait for Howard, but there’d been no time. She had to put the plane down before it exploded.

She remembered the cold creeping around her. Her limbs freezing. The warmth that had overtaken her just before she fell asleep and then…

The bag flew off the hanging. Crashed across the room breaking her from her whirl pooling though.

“Trouble sleeping?”

Steve wiped her face and glanced at the door. Fury stood there, all dramatic statement in black leather and stern face. There was something new in his expression. A sort of urgency that told Steve this wasn’t a welfare check. Wasn’t him dropping in to see how Cap was settling in, and if she’d decided on a gender yet. This was something else.

She felt a prickle of anticipation go up her spine.

“I slept for seventy years, sir,” she answered. “I think I’ve had my fill.”

“You should be out. Celebrating. Seeing the world.”

Steve snorted and began unwrapping her hands. Her knuckles felt bruised and sore, but she flexed her hands a few times and it faded. Just like all pain faded. Except for where she needed it to fade.

“I went under,” she said, “the world was at war. I wake up, they say we won.” She shook her head. “They didn’t say what we lost.”

“We’ve made some mistakes along the way. Some very recently.”

No kidding, she wanted to say. Days not spent wandering the city were spend at the computer, trying to catch up. The world was a mess. War, fighting, terrorism. Crime and rape and murder. Not that her world had been perfect by any means, but it’d felt so much simpler. You knew who the bad guys were, who was to blame. Now days, everyone was complicit in something, and there were no clear cut answers. 

She flexed her hand again. “You here with a mission, sir?”

Fury nodded. “I am.”

“Trying to get me back into the world?” And maybe that was what she needed. She was a soldier, after all. She knew how to be a soldier. Maybe getting back to it would help her stop feeling so disconnected from everything.

“Trying to save it.” He handed her a file.

She opened the file and blinked, a jolt of surprise going through her. She’d just been thinking about the cube, and here it was. “Hydra’s secret weapon.”

“Howard Stark fished it out of the ocean while looking for you. He thought what we think: the Tesseract could be the key to unlimited sustainable energy. That’s something the world sorely needs.”

“And who took it from you?” she asked, connecting the dots quickly. This wasn’t a history lesson, after all. No reason to bring it to her attention unless it was gone.

“He’s called Loki. He’s not from around here. There’s a lot we’ll have to bring you up to speed on if you’re in. The world has gotten even stranger than you already know.”

Steve smiled tightly. “At this point, I doubt anything would surprise me.” She’d gone into the ice expecting to die. She’d woken up in the future. Everything was new, so nothing was a surprise; there was too much to take in. If she let herself be surprised by everything, she’d be overwhelmed. 

“Ten bucks says you’re wrong. There’s a debriefing package waiting for you back at your apartment.”

She nodded. Tucking the file under her arm, she went to the rows of punching bags to lift one.

“Cap.”

She froze, stomach tightening.

“I’m bringing in others. A team. Anything you want me to tell them before you all meet?”

Damn. Damn, damn, and damn.

She lifted the punching bag and slung it over her shoulder. “There’s nothing to tell, sir. When they see me, they’ll draw their own conclusions, just like people always do.”

“So, you’re going to keep…”

“I’m going to keep being me.”

“It’d just help me out if I knew what that meant.”

She snorted. “You and me both.” She turned to go.

“Anything else you can tell us about the Tesseract?”

“You should have left it in the ocean.” Adjusting the punching bag, she left the gym and headed back home. 

*** 

It would be so much easier if Steve could just grab a label and slap it on herself. From what she understood, these days, it shouldn’t be so hard. Gay, bisexual, lesbian. Transgender. Nowadays it seemed like there was a label and a category for everything. 

The doctors wanted her to say she was transgender. They kept bringing the label up with hopeful expressions on their faces, explaining it over and over again, like hearing what it meant for the thousandth time would make it suddenly fit.

It didn’t.

Because she wasn’t a man trapped in a woman’s body. She wasn’t a woman living as a man. She was… She was…

And that’s where words failed her again.

What she was, was something that didn’t seem to have a label. Or, maybe there was a label, and she just hadn’t found it yet. Because sometimes, she felt like she was a man and sometimes, very rarely, she felt like a woman—whatever it meant to “feel” like any particular gender. Most of the time, though, it wasn’t something that she thought about. She just was whatever she was and had been whatever she was for a very long time.

She read stories about transgendered people. Some had known they were a different gender when they were very young, and some had known something was wrong but came to the realization later in life. 

Steve had become a boy when she was a kid. She’d chopped her hair off, and her mother had given her boys clothes. They’d moved to a new neighborhood, and she’d just been Steve from then on. So, maybe she was transgendered.

But, sometimes, she thought of herself as a woman. Not all the time. Most of the time, she didn’t think of herself as anything. But, every once in a while, she definitely felt like a woman. Not that she wanted to wear a dress or make-up or anything, but something inside her just said “girl.”

But, most of the time, it was nothing. Not man, not woman, just a person.

She couldn’t figure out how to explain that to the doctors. Or to Fury. Or to anyone, not even herself. So, maybe there was a label for her, but right now, she just felt wrong. Everything in this century was wrong. She was wrong.

And now, she was going to meet a team of people that she was supposed to lead. There’d always been a tinge of anxiety when meeting new people, especially after she became Captain America. If they figured out her secret, it could have spelled disaster. She still didn’t know what would have happened with Morita if Bucky hadn’t died. He’d said he wasn’t going to tell her secret, and he hadn’t, even after she was gone, but what if tragedy hadn’t struck? Would he have been able to accept her as a leader, or would he have gone to Philips and told? 

She still shuddered to think of what Philips would have done. Prison would have been the least of it.

But now, it didn’t have to be a secret. She could let people know she was…

And there she got stuck again. Because once you let someone know that you were physically a woman, could they look past that and see anything else? 

Presenting herself as a woman would feel like a lie. She’d been living like this for over twenty years. Despite not being sure if she was a man, showing up any other way would be wrong. It’d feel wrong. So, she’d continue to be what she was.

Whatever that may be.


	2. Chapter 2

She spent the night reading the debriefing package that Fury had left her. It detailed the attack on the PEGASUS facility in New Mexico. The cube—or the Tesseract, as Fury had called it—had been acting up somehow, emitting energy surges. Then a portal of some kind had opened up, which the being who identified himself as Loki came through.

Aliens. Portals. It was like something out of a science fiction novel. Bucky would have loved all this stuff. Heck, even Steve had to admit to a fission of excitement going through her. She still remembered the first time she’d read Princess of Mars and imagined going to another planet. One where she might not be so weak and helpless, but actually be powerful. And the aliens. Whole civilizations of them, right above her head. It’d fascinated her.

And now, it wasn’t fantasy. It was reality. Not just aliens, but Norse god aliens. Loki and Thor. Asgardians. 

She wondered if the portal that the cube had opened up for the Red Skull was the same as the one that’d brought Loki to Earth. Maybe the Red Skull hadn’t disintegrated. Maybe he’d traveled to another planet. She wondered.

So, Loki had stolen the cube and some agents along with it. Fury was calling Steve in to help look for it. She was the muscle, obviously, and the brains would be Dr. Bruce Banner.

“So this Dr. Banner was trying to replicate the serum used on me?” She’d watched the video of Banner last night while studying, but she couldn’t help watching it again. And again and again. She was currently on a Quinjet, traveling to an undisclosed location to meet up with Dr. Banner and another member of the team, Agent Romanoff. 

Watching the footage of Banner going up against the Army, she winced as Banner lifted a tank and used it to take down another tank.

God. She’d thought what had happened to the Red Skull had been bad. She’d never thought that it could get worse.

Clearly, she’d thought wrong.

Agent Coulson came over and looked over the screen of the tablet that Steve was holding. “A lot of people were,” he replied. “You were the world’s first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation was the key to unlocking Erskine’s original formula.”

She had no idea what gamma radiation was, but it must be bad if it could do this to a man. She wondered if what Banner had tested it on before testing it on himself. Then again, she hadn’t exactly known what Vita Rays were, and she’d allowed Stark to use them on her. Erskine had warned her that things could go wrong, and Steve had gotten in the pod anyway. 

She almost asked Coulson about Vita Rays and if he knew what they were, but decided it wasn’t the time. Clearly, Stark hadn’t shared the secret with anyone, except maybe his son, and Tony Stark was keeping it a secret. Maybe with good reason, considering all that could go wrong with the serum.

So, instead she just said, “Didn’t really go his way, did it?”

“Not so much. When he’s not that thing, though, the guy’s like a Stephen Hawking.”

She frowned at Coulson, not understanding. Red Skull had been like he was all the time: red and evil. But unless a Stephen Hawking was a green rage machine…

“He’s like a smart person.”

Ah. She made a mental note to look up Stephen Hawking as soon as she had the time. She really needed to start writing all these references down. People dropped them all the time, and they flew over her head and made her feel like she was speaking a different language than everyone else. Luckily she didn’t need much sleep. Most nights she spent at the computer, looking up all the things people had said during the day, trying to catch up.

“I gotta say, it’s an honor to meet you. Officially.”

Steve looked up to find Coulson beaming down at her, looking almost bashful.

She recognized that look. A hero worshiper. A fan. She’d had a lot of them, back when she was touring for the USO. Most were twelve, which was easier to deal with, but there were some adults. Men who couldn’t join the war for whatever reason. Dames who were attracted to the image of Captain America. She’d never gotten used to it. It didn’t bother her. Not exactly. It was just embarrassing and uncomfortable. 

“I sort of met you,” Coulson continued. “I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping.”

Holding back a wince, she looked down at the tablet. That was a little uncomfortable. Of course, she knew people had been around while she’d been unconscious. The doctors and stuff. But this guy… The way he put it, it was like he’d been at her side, reading to her or something, while she slept on, oblivious.

Coulson seemed to realize how awkward it sounded, because he hurried on to say, “I mean I was… I was present when you were unconscious from the ice.”

That phrasing did not making it any better. Had she still been encased in ice when he’d been there? Had he been part of the fake room she’d woken up in. Maybe he’d even chosen the game on the radio, knowing she was a fan and thinking it might ease the transition.

And, oh, God. If he’d been there, did that mean…

Maybe it did. Maybe he knew. Look at the facts. The bashfulness. The big, hopeful eyes. The smile. The way he kept edging close to her.

Did he think she was…. Was he trying to…

“I’m, uh… I’m not…” She didn’t know how to finish the sentence. 

She stood and straightened her shoulders, trying to look big and intimidating. Lowering her voice, she said again, “I mean, I’m not…” But she still couldn’t finish the sentence. 

He frowned at her a moment. Then, understanding washed over his face. His eyes went wide and his face went red. “No, I’m not… I would never assume…” He cleared his throat and gestured between them before waving his hands as if to say, ‘no.’ “I just mean it’s a huge honor to have you on board.”

Steve cleared her throat. “Well. I just hope I’m the right man for the job,” she said, placing a slight emphasis on the word ‘man.’ Just so they were clear. 

She leaned against the hull and gazed out the window.

“Oh, you are. Absolutely.” Coulson mirrored her position. “Uh… we’ve made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input.”

She frowned. “The uniform?” Surely they couldn’t mean to dress her up like an American flag again, not in this day and age. “Aren’t the stars and stripes a little old fashion?”

Coulson shook his head. “With everything that’s happening, the things that are about to come to light, people just might need a little old fashion.”

She took that in with a nod. Then she saw the aircraft carrier on the horizon. Her stomach turned over and her breathing picked up.

This was it. She was going to meet her team for the first time and get a feel for them. She wondered what preconceived notions they had about her. After all, she was a legend. There were books about her, movies about her. What if they resented her for being famous? What if they thought it was all a lie? Or what if they hero worshiped her, like Coulson? How could she effectively lead someone who uncritically accepted all her orders?

And that brought all the other doubts roaring back. She wasn’t a leader. She was a kid from Brooklyn. The only reason she’d ever made a difference was because of Bucky and the other guys. They’d been her rock, her foundation. 

What if the only reason she’d ever been any good at being Captain America was because of how good the Commandos had been? What if she couldn’t do it without them?

For the thousandth time, she wished Bucky were here. And that thought, as always, brought a sharp pang that made it hard to breathe. 

She was alone. She had to do this alone.

She took a deep breath and ran her shaking hands down her thighs. Well. She was about to find out if she was worth her salt.

It took about five minutes to land and deplane onto the carrier. Immediately, a red haired woman she recognized as Agent Natasha Romanoff joined them.

“Agent Romanoff,” Coulson greeted. “Captain Rogers.”

Trying to hide how nervous she was, Steve nodded. “Ma’am.”

Romanoff looked at her coolly and said, “Hi,” before she turned to Coulson and told him he was needed on the bridge. Then, as Coulson took his leave, she turned back to Steve. “There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was going to swoon. Did he ask you so sign his Captain America trading cards yet?”

That was all it took for some of the nervousness to break. Romanoff wasn’t a fan of hers. She was an agent, and a good one, according to her file. She’d follow her orders if they were sound and question them if they weren’t. It’d be fine.

“Trading cards?” Steve said, stomach settling.

“They’re vintage. He’s very proud.”

Steve nodded, wondering if they were the same cards she’d seen back on the USO tour. They’d been cheesy and embarrassing, but kids had loved him. She’d signed quite a few back in the day.

Then she saw Banner. Dr. Banner, who looked at nervous and out of place as she felt every single day. She liked him on sight and called out to him.

He turned.

Steve walked over and held her out her hand. Her breath caught a moment as Dr. Banner’s gaze swept over her body and a wrinkle appeared between his eyes, but he didn’t say anything and didn’t get that look of shock that she was so used to.

“Oh, yeah, hi,” he said. “They told me you were coming.”

“Word is you can find the cube.”

Banner squinted at her, disbelief on his face. “Is that the only word on me?”

She smiled at him, feeling sympathetic. It had to be hard, having a monster living under your skin, knowing that it might break out at any moment. Or, worse, having a monster under your skin that wasn’t going to break out, but knowing that everyone though it might.

Not knowing her gender wasn’t remotely the same thing, but she got how hard it was to have people constantly looking at you like you were a time bomb.

“It’s the only word I care about,” she assured him.

He nodded and gave her a smile. “Must be strange for you. All of this.” He gestured.

Steve blinked and looked around. There were planes and troops running around. It was all very military and, for the first time, she realized she didn’t feel out of place. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise her to hear Philips bellowing or Peggy shouting orders at someone.

“Well, this is actually kind of familiar,” she said, and she couldn’t help smiling. Maybe this was what she’d been needing these past few weeks. To be back in the world she knew, serving like she’d always wanted to. Here, all that mattered was the mission. All the other stuff was just irrelevant.

She could do this. Everything was going to be okay.

***  
The new uniform left a lot to be desired. It was clearly based on the USO outfit, rather than what she’d actually worn in the field. That uniform had been comfortable, functional, useful. She’d like the way it had looked even.

This one…

It was too tight around the bust. Even with her binder on, she felt squished and uncomfortable. And it made her waist too narrow. People were going to look at her and know, she was sure of it. Not that it mattered. At least everyone said it didn’t matter, but she didn’t want people thinking things about her that weren’t true. And until she figured out what the truth was….

Romanoff’s lips had twitched when she’d seen Steve, and Steve was sure that was as good as a laugh from her. Steve looked ridiculous, and she knew it. How was she supposed to be taken seriously looking like this?

But, she pushed that aside and did her job. Jumped in front of an old man Loki was about to take down. Delivered a speech about the last time she’d been in Germany… honestly, it was all kind of a blur. She remembered fighting Loki and being taken aback at how strong he was. He’d brushed aside the shield like it was a fly, knocked Steve down just as easily and probably would have killed Steve had Stark not shown up.

But Stark had shown up and they’d taken Loki prisoner. Gotten him into the Quinjet without any causalities and….

“I don’t like it,” Steve said. She’d taken off the ridiculous helmet and pushed her sweaty hair back from her face. 

“What, Rock of Ages giving up so easily?”

“I don’t remember it being that easy. That guy packs quite a wallop.”

“Still, you are pretty spry for an older fella. What’s your thing? Pilates?”

“What?”

“It’s like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple of things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle.”

She looked at him, horrible realizations setting in. The first was that this did man didn’t like her. The look on his face and his glib words were not those of a friend and a confidant. He clearly looked at her as a rival. For what, Steve didn’t know. There was nothing that Stark had that she wanted, not his money, his fame, his notoriety. Nothing. And what on Earth could she have that he wanted? Everything she owned, from her apartment to her underwear, was provided by SHEILD. Hell, she didn’t even pick out her own clothes yet; they’d been there when she’d woken up. She had nothing that Stark could want. 

But, worse, he didn’t know about her. He looked at her and saw the story that everyone had been told: she was a man that’d been given a serum and become a stronger man. She’d worked with his father and fought Nazis, then been frozen seventy years and, now, was back in the world.

She’d been so sure he would know. All these weeks, she’d read everything about him, everything she could find. She’d wanted to meet him, but hadn’t known how to make that happen or even if she should. And when he’d made no move to meet her, she’d just thought… Well. He’d been busy.

It wasn’t like she and Howard had ever been close. They’d barely known each other. But he’d been one of the people who’d safeguarded her secret. Someone who, in his own way, had believed in her. Even when she’d been so reckless and gone off to rescue Bucky on her own, he hadn’t tried to discourage her. He’d warned her, been honest about what would happen to her if she was captured, but he’d let her do it. Had helped her do it.

She’d just assumed that he would have told his son. That he’d pass on the information because it was… well. Someone should know. Because it was history, even if no one knew it. She’d thought her secret had been passed on and had taken a sort of comfort in that fact.

Hell. She’d kind of hoped that maybe Tony Stark would be the one to bring clarity to her. SHIELD’s doctors didn’t know what to call her, Fury didn’t know. She didn’t even know. But Tony Stark was a genius. Surely he’d know. He’d have some words of wisdom. And, yeah, she knew he was flippant and arrogant and self-aggrandizing, but Howard had been the same. Maybe to a lesser extent, but it’d been a different time. 

God. She’d been such a fool. What had she been thinking? There weren’t any answers. Stark wasn’t her salvation. He was just a man with a metal suit and a smart mouth.

She swallowed and tugged at her glove. “Fury didn’t tell me he was calling you in,” she said instead of… anything else. She didn’t know what she was supposed to say. 

“Yeah, there’s a lot of things Fury doesn’t tell you,” Tony told her.

That was an odd thing to say. Steve had been out of the ice about a month. This was her first mission. She was just a soldier. Of course there were things that Fury didn’t tell her. However, people in on her mission? That was something she should know.

She was about to say something else when thunder and lightning clapped around the Quinjet.

And then, things just got weird.


	3. Chapter 3

Her fingers almost itched. After the fight with Thor, after demolishing an entire forest protecting herself from that hammer, she almost had the urge to draw. Because Bucky had always loved stories about aliens and gods, and this story was real. She wanted to draw it for him, draw Thor surrounded by thunder, his cape curling around him as he flew. She’d wanted to draw the fight between Iron Man and Thor, epic and mythological in its scope. Because Bucky would have loved it.

But Bucky was dead.

She wanted to take the uniform off. Hell, what she wanted to do was take the binder off, because her breasts were aching, and she needed to let them free for a bit. But she was working. And the uniform wouldn’t fit without the binder, and she wasn’t about to walk around Stark with her breasts free. So, she suffered in silence as Thor explained Loki’s plan.

A portal to outer space that an alien army would come through. This was really the future.

Steve still wanted to know why Loki had let himself be captured. Yeah, like Banner said, the guy was crazy, and it was impossible to guess his plans, but still. He wanted to be here for some reason, and until Steve knew why, she wouldn’t be comfortable. But, as it was unlikely that Loki would tell her if she went to him, instead, she went to Banner’s laboratory. Maybe he’d have some answers.

Unfortunately, Stark was there. Steve had walked in just in time to see him give Banner an electric zap.

“Ow!” Banner said, half laughing.

“Nothing?”

Steve clenched her jaw, a jolt of alarm spiking through her. That was the last thing they needed, Stark making Banner turn into that green monster. They needed to find the cube; surely Stark understood that was the priority right now. “Hey! Are you nuts?”

Stark barely looked at her. “You really have a lid on it, haven’t you? What’s your secret? Mellow jazz? Bongo drums? Huge bag of weed?”

This man was nothing like Howard. Steve wouldn’t trust Stark with anything, much less something as complicated a secret as herself. She felt the last bit of hope for the future she’d had in her die and wanted to cry. She hadn’t even realized how much hope she had pinned on Stark. On Stark being able to tell her what to do with herself. To help her know how to label herself or at least to tell her not to bother with it, because it didn’t matter.

“People believe what they want to see,” Howard had told her. He’d told her that she’d be fine. And those words had meant more to her than she’d known at the time. They’d gotten her through those first few terrifying days when she’d been sure someone would look at her and see her breasts and hips and just know.

But he’d been certain, and he’d been right. It hadn’t mattered because people didn’t see.

She needed the same kind of wisdom now. Not the same words, but something. With Fury and the doctors wanting her to and waiting for her to label herself, she needed someone to tell her… something Give her advice. Give her advice that sounded right.

Somewhere along the way, she’d begun to think that person would be Tony Stark. Just because of who his father had been.

He didn’t have any advice. He didn’t have anything for her.

“Is everything a joke to you?” she demanded, throat tight.

“Funny things are,” he said back, dismissively.

“Threatening the safety of everyone on the ship isn’t funny,” she snapped. “No offense, Doctor.”

“It’s all right,” Banner assured her. And his voice was soothing. Calm. Even. “I wouldn’t have come aboard if I couldn’t handle pointy things.”

“You’re tiptoeing, big man. You need to strut.”

“And you need to focus on the problem, Mr. Stark.” 

“You think I'm not?” There was a tinge of exasperation in Stark’s voice as he turned on Steve. “Why did Fury call us and why now? Why not before? What isn't he telling us? I can't do the equation unless I have all the variables.”

 

Steve frowned. He’d assumed Fury had called them now because the cube had disappeared now, but Tony seemed to be implying… “You think Fury’s hiding something?”

 

“He’s a spy, Captain,” Stark said like he was explaining something to a child. “He’s the spy. His secrets have secrets. It’s bugging him too, isn’t it?” He pointed to Banner.

 

“Uh, I just want to finish my work and…”

But Steve wasn’t going to let him get out of this. “Doctor.”

Banner sighed. “‘A warm light for all mankind.’ Loki’s jab at Fury about the cube.”

“I heard it.”

“I think that was meant for you,” he said, pointing at Stark. “Even if Barton didn’t tell Loki about the tower, it was still all over the news.”

Steve frowned, not seeing what Banner was talking about. “The Stark Tower? That big ugly…” At Tony’s look, she started to trail off before finishing, “building in New York,” a little defiantly. Because, yes, it was bad manners to insult someone’s home, but the building was hideous. And Stark hadn’t exactly been polite to her since they’d met.

She could hear her mother rolling over in her grave at that thought. She’d raised Steve better than that.

She listened as Banner explained that the tower was running off an arc reactor, which was a self-sustaining energy source. Stark bragged about something and then Banner said, “So, why didn’t they bring him on the Tesseract project? What are they doing in the energy business in the first place?”

Which was a good question, and Steve was about to suggest something when Stark said, “I should probably look into that once my decryption program finishes breaking into all of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s secure files.”

It took a second for the words to make sense. Not because they were unfamiliar, but because she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She had to have misunderstood. Decryption must mean something else in the future. As did breaking in. “I’m sorry, did you just say…”

“JARVIS has been running it since I hit the bridge. In a few hours, I’ll know every dirty secret SHIELD had tried to hide. Blueberry?”

Just when she thought she’d gotten a handle on this guy, he went and did something else outrageous. Didn’t matter if it was something he said or something he did, he was… was slippery. Untrustworthy. “Yet you’re confused about why they didn’t want you around.”

“An intelligence organization that fears intelligence? Historically, not awesome.”

“I think Loki's trying to wind us up.” Stark had to get that. Loki was the one they couldn’t trust. He was the one who lied and, worse, used the truth to mix people up. Steve had read some Norse myths when she was a kid. Loki was never trustworthy, and everything he said was a barb meant to get under your skin. “This is a man who means to start a war and if we don't stay focused, he'll succeed. We have orders. We should follow them.”

“Following’s not really my style.”

“And you’re all about style, aren’t you?” she shot back.

“Of the people in this room, which one is, A, wearing a spangly outfit, and, B, not of use?”

She wasn’t going to react to that. Wasn’t going to give him the pleasure. Maybe, in this room, at this moment, she wasn’t of use, but she had her purpose. She was useful.

And screw the outfit, anyway.

Christ, her chest hurt.

“Steve,” Banner said, “tell me none of this smells a little funky to you.”

She was done. Done listening, done standing her and being talked down to. “Just find the cube,” she said and left the room.

“That’s the guy my dad never shut up about?” she heard Stark said before the door shut behind them.

She laughed, bringing her hands up to either side of her chest and pressing hard to relieve some of the pressure on her breasts. “Well, Stark, he may have talked about me, but clearly he left something important out.” She should go to her quarters and take off the uniform, at least for a bit.

But, as much as she hated to admit it, Stark and Banner were right. Something funny was going on. It wasn’t like SHIELD was averse to collaborating with Stark. He was here. She’d bet they’d used some of his technology before. So, if they were into sustainable energy, why not collaborate with him? 

And since when was a military operation into energy for energy’s sake?

The Red Skull had weaponized the cube. What had happened to those weapons after he’d been defeated? 

With a sinking feeling in her stomach, she headed off to find the armory. Maybe she could find some answers faster than Stark’s program.

*** 

It wasn’t hard to find the weapons. They were hidden, but Steve was used to looking for hidden weapons, so it didn’t take her too long to find them. It gratified her to know that she had been faster than Stark’s computer, but, in the end, it hadn’t mattered. She found the weapons, Stark found the files, and Loki had gotten the better of them anyway.

They’d been the middle of arguing about the weapons and their necessity when Loki’s men had attacked. 

It was easy to put aside anger and distrust in the face of an emergency. She and Stark had gone to engine three and worked together to get it running. It had been easy. To work together, that was. For all the tension between them, once they were focused, it worked. They’d saved the ship, protected themselves from the enemy and…

And lost Coulson.

Lost Banner and Thor, too, but they were probably alive. Just… elsewhere. 

But Coulson was dead.

“These were in Phil Coulson’s jacket,” Fury said once the dust had settled, and they had time to debrief. “Guess he never did get you to sign them.” He tossed some cards onto the table.

Steve picked them up. Captain America trading cards, in good condition. They were old. Vintage. She remembered seeing them during the war.

Good condition, except for the blood.

It was never easy losing a man. It tore her apart every time. And she’d liked this man. Didn’t know him well, but he’d been affable. Friendly. He made her want to get to know him more.

Or maybe she was just thinking this way because there was no chance of knowing him better now. Loki had seen to that.

She listened with half an ear as Fury admitted that he’d been building an arsenal. But that he’d also been trying to do something more. To build an initiative, the Avengers. That he wanted to bring a group of people together and have them work together as heroes.

It was a pretty speech, but she wasn’t in the mood to be manipulated right now. When Stark walked off, she followed.

Her heart was in her throat again as she approached him. She’d taken off the confining outer jacket and was just in the undershirt. Still bound down in her binder, but she thought that her breasts were more noticeable like this.

But Stark was looking into oblivion when she came up to him.

“Was he married?” she asked, not sure what else to say.

“No. There was a cellist, I think.”

She let that hang in the air, not sure what to say. “I’m sorry,” she finally settled on. “He seemed like a good man.” 

“He was an idiot.”

“For believing?”

“For taking on Loki alone!”

Steve shrugged, not unsympathetically. “He was doing his job.”

“He was out of his league. He should have waited. He should have…”

“Sometimes there isn’t a way out, Tony.” Her throat catches, thinking of Bucky. Of herself. Of the men she’d lost along the way.

“Right,” Stark snapped, walking away. “I’ve heard that before.”

 

“Is this the first time you’ve lost a soldier?”

Stark whirled on her, eyes ablaze. “We are not soldiers!” he yelled.

She raised her eyebrows.

Looking a little chagrin, he added, “I’m not marching to Fury’s fife.”

And that was her breaking point. She didn’t know when Captain America had gotten a reputation for following the rules without question, or at least where Stark had gotten that impression, but it stopped here. She had not lied on her enlistment form five times to be painted as someone who blindly followed the rules. “I’m not either. He’s got the same blood on his hands that Loki does. But right now, we’ve got to put this behind us and get this done.” She waited until that sunk in before saying, “Loki needs a power source. If we can make a list…”

“He made it personal,” Stark interrupted.

“We can’t let that get to us. That’s not the point.”

“That is the point,” Stark insisted. “That’s Loki’s point. He hit us all where we live. Why?”

She shrugged. “To tear us apart.” And Fury was trying to put them back together. To unite them with Coulson’s death. She’d thought that’d been fairly obvious.

 

“Yeah, divide and conquer is great, but he knows he has to take us out to win, right? That's what he wants. He wants to beat us, he wants to be seen doing it. He wants an audience.”

Oh boy, did he ever. “Yeah,” Steve said. “I caught his act in Stuttgart.”

“Yeah, that was just previews. This is opening night. And Loki, he's a full-tilt diva, right? He wants flowers, he wants parades. He wants a monument built to the skies with his name plastered... Son of a bitch.”

A monument built to the skies with his name on it. Sounded familiar.

“Well, we have a place now,” she said. “But you and I… can we really go against him alone?”

“Romanoff probably would be up to round three. She was close to Coulson. Besides, you’ll need a way to get there. And Banner will come.”

“Dr. Banner?” she said skeptically as she followed Stark out. “I’m not…”

“He’ll be there. You get Romanoff. I’ll meet you in New York.”

“Be careful.”

Stark turned and threw her a cocky salute. For a moment, she saw his eyes catch on her chest, and he frowned, but then he turned and walked away.

She let out a breath. That had been close, and now was not the time to explain. She had a feeling that explaining to Stark about her was going to be complicated.

She went back to her quarters and put her suit back on. Then she went to find Romanoff.

***   
The Hulk screamed in Stark’s face. Steve thought her heart just might break. After telling Stark that he wasn’t the type to lay his life on the line, that’s exactly what he’d done. Without question, without hesitation, without thought. She knew he hadn’t done it to prove anything to her, but she still couldn’t help the guilt that was creeping over her.

Hard enough to lose a soldier. But a civilian…

Suddenly, Stark jerked awake. “What the hell?” he gasped. “What just happened? Please tell me nobody kissed me.”

The smile that broke across her face was so huge it hurt. She almost wanted to kiss him, just for the sheer joy of him being alive. But she restrained herself and sat back on her heels. Her side hurt like hell from being hit by the Chitauri blast, and she ached all over. A headache was settling in behind her eyes, and she was beginning to shake from hunger.

She needed food and water and fast, or she was going to be in bad shape. But all she said was, “We won.”

It wasn’t that she’s not used to winning. The Commandos won more than their share of battles. But this battle had been different. There wasn’t going to be another one tomorrow and the day after that. It was over. The enemy had been defeated and they weren’t coming back to try again. It was a victory.

“All right, hey.” Tony was babbling. “All right. Good job, guys. Let's just not come in tomorrow. Let's just take a day. Have you ever tried shawarma? There's a shawarma joint about two blocks from here. I don't know what it is, but I want to try it.”

“We’re not finished yet,” Thor said, looking at Stark tower.

Stark nodded. “And then shawarma after?”

“I’ll eat anything right now,” Steve said. She hauled herself to her feet and reached down to help Stark up.

Stark pulled himself up.

Steve grit her teeth, trying not to scream as the pain in her side intensified. Her vision whited out for a moment, and the world swum dizzily around her.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Cap.” Stark let go of her hand. “You okay?”

She panted and put her hand on her side. “I’m fine. I’m fine. Just…” She swayed on her feet.

Thor caught her. “You need assistance, my friend.”

“I’ll get it when we’re done. First, let’s get Loki.” 

Thor frowned but nodded once. He kept a hand on her shoulder the whole time they made their way back to Stark Tower. They collected Barton on the way, and then Romanoff. 

Loki was lying in a hole in the middle of the floor. When they stood above him, he smiled and tried to joke, but none of them was in a joking mood. They took him into custody and led him back to SHIELD, where he was promptly escorted to the detention level.

She watched his retreating back, a haze settling around her. She knew this was bad. That the post-battle cloud was settling over her, and that there were things she needed to do. Food. Water. Medical attention.

All the things that Bucky used to make sure she did. After every battle, he’d been there with one of her special ration bars and a canteen of water. If she’d been injured, he’d make sure she got taken care of. 

But Bucky wasn’t there anymore. She should… she needed… she had to…

She had to do it herself.

Suddenly, there was a hand on her shoulder. It turned her away from the detention center and gently propelled her down the hall, away from the others. “Come on, Cap.” 

“What?” She looked at the man who was leading her to a bank of elevators. “Barton? What are you…”

“You’re injured.”

 

“I’m fine.”

Barton smiled and shook his head, still pushing her down the hallway, away from the other Avengers. “First, you’re white as a ghost. Second, you’re favoring your side. Third, Thor told me you almost passed out on the street. You need medical assistance.”

“Stark…”

“Don’t worry about Stark, worry about yourself. I figured you’d want to get away from the rest of the Avengers before you passed out or something.”

“Why?”

He stopped. “Oh, are we playing dumb now, or are you just in that much pain?”

She blinked up at him. She was in that much pain. All she could feel was the pain and the only thing keeping her from giving into it was her confusion as to why Barton was…

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

“How did you…”

“I’ve got good eyes, Cap.” He slid his arm around her back and let her rest her weight on him in support. 

Exhaustion was overtaking her. “Don’t go thinking I’m a girl.”

“Okay, I won’t.”

“I’m not… not transgendered either. So don’t go thinking that.”

“It’s really none of my business, Cap.”

“I know. But everyone wants me to say I’m transgendered, but I’m not. I don’t know what I am.” She laughed hollowly, feeling punchy. “Even in this century, I’m wrong.”

“Wouldn’t say you’re wrong. I’m pretty sure there’s more choices than just transgendered and not.”

“Doctors haven’t said anything.”

“Doctors prefer simple categories. Human aren’t always so easy to categorize. Can you use the Internet?”

“I’m new, not stupid,” she said as they got onto the elevator.

Barton smiled. “Look it up, then. Maybe you’ll find something that fits you. Maybe you won’t. But don’t let the doctors stress you out about trying to fit into a box.” He narrowed his eyes. “And don’t Fury stress you out, either. You got through the thirties and forties being what you are, right? You became Captain America being what you are. You’ll be fine.”

She thought about it for a moment, then nodded. “Right. I will be fine.” And then her vision whited out again. The world spun around, and she didn’t know anything else.


	4. Chapter 4

At least this time, when she woke up, she hadn’t lost years. She’d only lost a few hours. The doctor told her that she’d broken a few ribs, but it was largely healed now. The pain was definitely dulled; still there, but manageable now.

She dressed slowly, sighing as she squeezed herself back into the uniform. As soon as humanly possible, she was going to demand they change it. Maybe it wasn’t respectful to Coulson’s memory, to change something that he’d worked on, but she couldn’t continue with it. It was uncomfortable and painful, and she hated it. Hated the fabric, the zippers, the color. But, most of all, she hated how tight it was. It didn’t fit, and while she had proven that she could fight in it, when she wasn’t fighting, she was miserable

She’d barely had time to get her uniform back on when Stark was in her room, bugging her about going to shawarma again. All she wanted to do was sleep, but Stark was insistent, and, so, she found herself eating in a little shop not far from Stark Tower. Which meant everything around the place as a disaster. She almost didn’t want to go into the restaurant, just wanted to let them repair their store, but the owners insisted. They could have as much food as they want, they were told. On the house.

“What happens now?” she asked after she’d eaten about four helpings. She was still starving, but the edge had been taken off. At least she’d stopped shaking.

“I will take Loki back to Asgard,” Thor said. “He will be sentenced for his crimes.”

“And the cube?”

“It will return with me. It is safest on Asgard, where it belongs.”

“But,” Stark started, but Steve interrupted him by saying, “That’s probably smartest. With the damage the cube has had on our world… It’s not something that should be here on Earth.”

“But,” Stark said again, but he stopped when Steve shot him a look. “Okay, fine. We’ll send it to Asgard.”

She nodded. “What about clean-up? Rebuilding the city?”

“SHIELD will help,” Romanoff said. “And there’s contractors and things. We’ve done it before, we’ll do it again.”

Steve nodded. Took another bite of her food. “And then what happens?”

“To the Avengers, you mean?”

“Yeah.”

She shrugged.

Okay then.

“What do you want to do, Cap?” Barton asked. He was looking at her curiously. “You’ve been back, what, a month?

“Yeah. About that.”

“You’re not being held prisoner. You’re not officially part of SHIELD. What do you want to do?”

She didn’t know what to say. To cover up her confusion, she took another bite of her shawarma. Everyone was looking at her, and she could feel her face heat. She didn’t like being the center of everyone’s attention. 

“I don’t know,” she finally said. “I mean, before all this, all my attention was on trying to get into the war. Between work and trying to stay well, that’s all I thought about. And then, the past year, it was all about trying to take Hydra down. That was everything. And now, I don’t have that.”

“So, what did you want to do before all that?” Romanoff asked.

“I just… I don’t know. Mostly I was focused on survival,” she said honestly. “Bucky and I didn’t have a lot of money, so we worked and saved.”

“That’s it?” Stark sounded aghast. “You didn’t have any fun?”

“No, we did. We went out and did stuff, when I was well enough. He got me out on a lot of double dates. Course those dates never led to anything more for me, so there was a lot of time that I stayed at home while he went out.”

“So, what did you do for fun?” Banner asked.

She shrugged and shifted uncomfortably. “Drew, mostly. Went to the movies. Listened to the ball game. Read.” He looked up at Barton. “What are you going to do?”

Barton flashed a quick smile. “I’m still a part of SHIELD. If they give me time off, I’ll take it. If not, I’ll go off to my next mission. But I’m not the man out of time. Seriously, if you could go anywhere, where would you go?”

She closed her eyes a moment and thought. There were so many options, so many places. California and the Grand Canyon and the Gulf Coast. Places she and Bucky had talked about going when they could. Places she’d sworn she would see some day.

But she didn’t want to do any of that. Not right now. The world was too big, and she wasn’t ready for it.

Really, there was only one thing she really, really wanted to do. 

“I’d go see Peggy,” she finally said.

“Peggy Carter?” Stark asked.

“Yeah, you know her?” She looked at Stark.

He shrugged. “Yeah. She was around a lot when I was growing up. Worked with my dad. Haven’t talked to her in years, though. I can track her down, if you want.”

He said it casually, like it was no big deal, but Steve couldn’t help the surge of hope that went through her. She’d been feeling so isolated, so cut off from everyone she knew, that the idea that she could talk to someone who knew her was almost overwhelming. In fact, her throat closed a little, and she had to clear it a few times before she could say, “I’d appreciate that. Thanks.”

“No problem. It’s done.” Again, it was said casually, but this time he met Steve’s eyes for just a second and they softened slightly. Then, he looked away and the moment was done.

“And, you, Bruce,” Stark said. He kicked Banner under the table. “What are your plans for the future? Back to Calcutta?”

Banner took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “Right now, I can’t see past the next few hours. And in those hours, all I want to do is find a flat surface and collapse. Any ideas?”

“Well. There’s a big Loki shaped hole in the middle of my penthouse, but other than that, it might be okay. Anyone else have the same boring plans?”

They all raised their hands. Despite the sleep she’d gotten when she’d passed out, Steve still felt like there was a thousand pound weight attached to her arm. She was exhausted. Now that her hunger was mostly satiated, she was ready to crawl into bed and sleep for the next seventy years.

Tony rolled his eyes. “You are all a bunch of party poopers. All right. Let’s wrap this food up and hit the road. We’ve got a bunch of sleepy kids, and it’s definitely nap time.”

*** 

Steve woke, disoriented and confused. She’d been dreaming that the sky had torn open and aliens poured through. One had gotten Peggy. Steve had tried to chase it but had been knocked down. By the time she’d gotten up, Peggy had been gone. Steve had looked everywhere for her, but couldn’t find her. The more she looked, the more aliens surrounded her, pinning her in, encircling her until they’d finally swallowed her up.

And to think, only part of that had been a dream.

She rolled onto her back and rubbed her eyes. The events of the previous day flooded back to her. She sorted through them, reviewing the battle, remembering what she’d done and how she’d reacted. She thought about what she could have done better. Ways she could improve. 

Not that she ever expected to be in a similar situation again. With any luck, there’d be no more portals, no more alien armies. Still. It didn’t hurt to be prepared.

“Captain Rogers,” a voice said suddenly.

She bolted upright, clutching the comforter to her chest, and looked wildly around. There was no one in the room with her. “Uh… hello?”

“Hello, Captain Rogers. Mr. Stark asked me to inform you that there is breakfast in the penthouse, and that Director Fury is on his way.”

“Um… okay. And you are?”

“I am JARVIS. I am the artificial intelligence that runs Mr. Stark’s household.”

“Like a computer?”

“Yes.”

She nodded. “And, uh, are you like a surveillance system, too? I mean, are there cameras in the room?”

“No, sir. I was, however, monitoring your vitals. The change in your breathing patterns informed me that you were awake.”

Okay, that was creepy. But less creepy than there being actual video surveillance. The last thing she needed was Stark having footage of her taking off her binder and sleeping topless, which is what she’d done last night. Last night, she’d been too exhausted to care if someone walked in on her. In fact, her exact thought had been, “Fuck it, let them come.”

Today, her thoughts were much less blasé and more of the paranoid variety. 

“Okay, I’ll be up in about fifteen minutes,” she told JARVIS.

“Very good, sir.”

She showered quickly and dressed. She only had the uniform, but she was absolutely not putting the top back on. Instead, she put on the pants, her binder, and the undershirt. As dressed as she was willing to get, she went upstairs.

“Morning, Cap,” Stark greeted. “Wasn’t sure what everyone would want to eat, so I ordered everything. From whatever was open, of course, which, to be honest, isn’t much.”

Steve looked at the spread of food and smiled. She was starving this morning, and there was enough food to satisfy even her. “Thanks, Mr. Stark.”

“Call me Tony. We’re like battle buddies now, right? Life and death and all that.”

“Okay, Tony.” She grabbed a plate and started filling it. 

“Oh. By the by, I tracked down Peggy Carter for you. She’s in a retirement home in Washington DC.”

“What’s a retirement home?”

He seemed taken aback for a moment, like he didn’t know how to explain. “It’s, well. When people get old and can’t live on their own anymore, they go to a retirement home. There’s doctors and nurses and round the clock care if they need anything.”

She frowned. “Like a poorhouse?”

Again, he seemed at a loss for words. “No. Not at all. People of all socioeconomic levels can go to one. The one she’s in is pretty upscale, actually. It probably costs a lot to stay there. Top of the line care.” He handed her a slip of paper with the name Forest Hills on it and a number.

She folded the paper between her fingers before slipping it into her pocket. “Why’s she there? What’s wrong with her?”

“She old, for one,” Tony said. “I didn’t look into her records or anything, but I can easily find out if there’s something else going on.”

“I just…”

“I can tell what you want to know about Peggy Carter, Cap.”

She turned. Fury was walking into the room.

“Why is she in a retirement home? Doesn’t she have family to take care of her?”

Fury shook his head. “She does, but they can’t. She’s sick, Captain. Sicker than they can manage. She's in the home so she can get the care she needs and have someone watching over her to make sure she’s safe.”

“Safe?”

“She’s got a disease called Alzheimer’s. It’s a form of dementia, messes with your memory. Some days you can remember your life, some days chunks of it are gone. And sometimes, it varies from moment to moment.”

Her stomach sank. Peggy was so strong, so vibrant, so brilliant. To have a disease that attacked her mind… how did you fight against something like that? Something that stole away pieces of you until nothing was left?

She sat down on a stool and set her plate aside, suddenly not hungry. “So, she probably won’t remember me.”

“She still might. From what I understand, right now it’s still in its beginning stages. She’s lucid most of the time.”

“Can I see her?”

“Are you ready to?”

God, was she ever. She was so tired of being the only person she knew who’d lived through the war. Who’d fought Hydra and seen the Red Skull. Who’d known Steve before she was Captain America. She wanted to talk to someone who’d been there.

“Yes,” she whispered, feeling like she was fighting back tears. She was tired of being alone.

Fury nodded and gave Steve an almost smile. “Then it can be arranged. I wouldn’t recommend hopping on your motorcycle and driving out there today. Give SHIELD time to let her know you’re coming.”

Anticipation settled in Steve’s stomach. Maybe she wasn’t going to see Peggy today, but soon. It was happening soon. And if Peggy didn’t remember her, well… Steve would just have to remind her. That’s all. And even then, at least she’d be with someone she knew. Someone she loved. 

It was going to be okay.

Steve was on her third plate of food by the time the rest of the Avengers stumbled into the penthouse. It was nice being able to eat as much as she wanted; it was probably her favorite thing about being in the future. Back during the war, she’d always been hungry. Even with the ration bars Howard Stark made her, there’d always been a hollow hole in her stomach that was never filled. But now… there was food everywhere. She could eat as much as she wanted and there was still more. It was wonderful.

“So,” Fury said once everyone was assembled. “The situation is this. The World Security Council isn’t happy that the nuke went into space, even though they can’t argue with the results. The public loves you, but the politicians aren’t sure if this was all your fault or not.”

“How can they say an alien invasion was our fault?” Natasha asked.

“It’s more of a ‘look at the damage, who’s responsible’ question rather than flat out blaming you. But I was thinking that it’d probably be best if, for the next few weeks, you all laid low and out of the limelight.”

“So no interviews and publicity tours,” Tony said.

“I know it’ll be a sacrifice for you, Stark, but…”

“Well, I’ll cancel the press conference then.”

“What do you want us to do?” Barton asked.

“Until Loki is off Earth, I’d like you to stay around. Just in case. After that, it’s up to you. You’re free to do what you want.”

Banner cleared his throat. “Free to do what we want. You mean, you’re not keeping tabs on us?”

“No more than usual,” was Fury’s bland response. “But try to keep out of trouble.” He looked at Thor. “You’ll be leaving Earth?”

“I am ready to take Loki and the Tesseract off Earth as soon as possible,” Thor confirmed. “I can use the Tesseract to open a portal that will take us back to Asgard. I only need containment for it.” He reached into his armor and pulled out a piece of parchment. “My father drew this before he sent me here.”

Tony took it and studied it. “I can build this, no problem.”

“How long will it take?” asked Fury.

He shrugged. “Maybe a week. Just to get the materials and assemble it.”

“Do it. I want that maniac off my planet as soon as possible.”

Tony stood and looked at Banner. “I could use your help. Might make this go faster.”

“Yeah, sure.” He grabbed a bagel and stood. “Anything to get rid of Loki.” 

Stark grinned, grabbed a mug of coffee, and the two left.

Fury nodded and looked at the rest. “The three of you should drop by SHIELD at some point. Debrief, get checked out by medical, all that jazz. But other than that, lay low and relax. You deserve some rest. As for you,” he turned his attention to Thor, “we’d like to sit down with you and lay some groundwork for the future.”

“I shall come as soon as I am done eating,” Thor said. He took a large bite out of an apple. 

“I’ll be waiting. Gentlemen. Romanoff.” He turned and left.

Steve let out a long sigh and picked up her coffee. “Debriefing is my least favorite part of being in battle. Well. Losing people is my least favorite part. But debriefing is up there, too.”

“Paperwork and talking,” Barton said, nodding his head in agreement. “Almost makes you wish the other side won.”

“On Asgard, after a battle, we have a feast and recount the glorious deeds that were performed,” Thor said. “I take it that is not what a debriefing is.”

“Well. We recount what we did during the battle,” Romanoff said. “But it’s all about keeping records and making sure we did what we were supposed to, not celebrating our glorious deeds. Sometimes there’s water, but usually not food.”

“Your ways are strange, indeed.”

“Stick around, you’ll get used to them,” Steve said. “I can’t imagine it’s changed much in the past seventy years.”

“I don’t know, Cap,” Barton said. “There are checklists and forms and routines that you have to go through. They hold committees to determine if you’re fit to go back into active service or have to be reassigned. And there’s always some antagonistic dick who’s convinced that you acted like a jackass in the field and goes after you, questioning every little move.”

“So, it’s more formal than it used to be,” she conceded. “But the idea’s the same.” She sighed and rubbed her eyes. “Bucky…” She stopped talking abruptly.

After a moment of silence, Barton said, “Bucky Barnes?” 

She cleared her throat. “Yeah,” she said hoarsely. 

“Who’s that?” asked Romanoff.

“My best friend.” She cleared her throat again. “He used to wait outside for me to be done. Sometimes late into the night. He’d usually have a sandwich or something waiting for me, to tide me over until we could get a real meal.” She picked up her coffee and swallowed a mouthful, forcing it past the lump in her throat. “It was one thing I could look forward to.”

There was a moment of silence before Thor said, “May I ask, Captain, what you meant before? About seventy years? I know that mortals are not that long lived. If you were here seventy years ago, you would not be so young. Are you a historian of some kind?”

She laughed and rubbed her eyes again. “No. No, Thor, I, uh…. I’ve been frozen for the past seventy years. I’m not from this time.”

“What purpose did freezing you serve?” Thor sounded aghast. 

“It was an accident. No one meant for it to happen. Hell, I was sure I was dying and then, the next thing I know, I woke up here. Well, at SHIELD, but, you know. In the future.”

“Captain…”

“Steve. Please, call me Steve.”

“Steve, it sounds like yours is a worthy tale to tell. I would love to hear it.”

“The whole thing, or just the part where I got frozen? Because I only survived because I was part of an experiment. And that goes back even further.”

Thor grinned. “Please. Tell me your tale. The whole thing.”

“I’d like to hear it, too,” Barton said.

She turned the coffee mug around in her hands and nodded. “Well, it started when I tried to enlist in the Army. For the fifth time. See, there was a war going on, and I wanted to be a part of it, only I was too small and sickly.”

“But you’re the epitome of health.”

“Now I am. Just let me tell the story, okay?”

Thor held up his hands, placating. “I’m sorry, Steve. Please continue. I will listen without interrupting.”

“Good.” She took another sip of coffee and then launched back into her story. She only left a few minor details out.


	5. Chapter 5

“Here’s what I don’t understand,” Barton said.

Steve turned, startled. She’d just finished her five hour debrief at SHIELD and wanted nothing more than to eat, change, and sleep. The cafeteria was on the bottom floor of SHIELD, and the elevators were out. She was currently in the stairwell, traveling down, when Barton burst in just behind her.

“Uh, hi, Barton.”

“Hey, Cap. We’re alone now, can I ask you some questions?”

She’d been expecting this. While she’d told her story to Thor, she could see questions forming on Baton’s face. He’d moved several times like he was going to say something before swallowing it back.

“Sure, go ahead.” It wasn’t that she minded talking about it. She just never did. Or had. She’d explained to Fury what had happened. And to the doctors. But never to anyone else, not completely. Even Peggy didn’t know the full story. There hadn’t been time to tell her.

“How did you become the first—and only—super soldier? I mean, surely that Dr. Erskine guy must have noticed that you’re a… well, physically. You know.”

“Yeah, I do know,” Steve said dryly. “And he knew. Dr. Erskine. When he chose me for the program, he already knew. He wanted me anyway.”

“Really? He didn’t care that you’re…”

“He said that there were already so many big guys fighting, that maybe what they really needed was something different. They needed me.” She shrugged. 

“Okay, so that explains Erskine. But how did you get through basic training?”

“Same way I got through living in a boy’s home once my mom died. I showered after lights out and didn’t take my shorts off. Of course, for me, basic was only a week. We were on a time limit, and they chose me fast.”

“You lived in a boy’s home?”

“I started calling myself a boy after my dad died. And we moved soon after that, lost touch with the old neighbors, so I got away with it. When my mom died, I kept my mouth shut, and no one looked too closely. No one thought to look for my birth certificate, and I just didn’t say anything. I didn’t figure I’d be there long, and when Bucky found out, he insisted we leave. So, I never got caught.”

“This is kind of mind blowing.” Barton rubbed his hand over his face. “So, besides Bucky, only Erskine knew?”

“Well. Howard Stark knew. He helped with the cover-up.”

“Howard Stark, as in Stark Stark? Tony’s dad?”

She nodded.

“And does Tony know?”

“No.”

Barton wrinkled his nose. “You going to tell him?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. No. I don’t know.” She rubbed her eyes and stopped walking, leaning against the stairs. “Do you think I should?”

“I mean, I think the choice is up to you,” Barton said. He leaned against the stairs across from Steve, facing her. “It’s your secret, your life. But on the other hand, Stark doesn’t seem like the kind who takes it well when things are hidden from him.”

“I’m not hiding anything.”

“You kind of are. But it’s your right to. It’s your identity, and you don’t owe the nitty gritty to anyone.”

She sighed and scrubbed at her face. “It would be so much easier if he could look at me and just see it. Then I wouldn’t have to find the words.”

“Believe me, Cap, these days, there are plenty of words. Just look online to find the right one.” He pulled away from the railing and started walking downstairs again. “What about Peggy Carter? Did she know?”

Steve followed Clint. “Yeah. I told her after Bucky died. She seemed to accept it. But then I died, so maybe she wouldn’t have in the long run.”

“At least you’re going to get a chance to see her again. You’ll find out how it would have been between you.”

And that thought struck her motionless. How it would have been. Not would be. Because Peggy was ninety years old, and Steve was still young. Peggy had lived her life, and Steve’s had been arrested. Peggy was dying, and Steve…

“I, uh… I need…” She turned around in a circle, looking for a way out. She needed out of here, and where had all the doors gone? What the hell kind of place didn’t put doors in the walls so people could get out? What… how… 

“Okay. It’s okay. Let’s just sit down.”

There was a hand on her arm, tugging her down. Her knees bent, and there was something hard under her.

“Just put your head between your knees. Breathe.” A strong hand stroked up and down her back, forcing her to bend until her head was hanging down.

“I can’t…”

“Yeah, you can. In and out. Deep breaths.”

Tears came hot and fast, dripping down her face and onto her boots. Her nose quickly clogged, and she had to open her mouth. Her breaths were loud and painful, a block set up in her chest so she couldn’t get enough air.

Everything she knew was gone. Everything she had hoped for was impossible. She’d see Peggy, yes, and they’d talk and share memories, but Peggy would be old. She’d probably gotten married and had children and had had a life without Steve. A life that Steve could never have given her in the first place. And after Steve saw her, what then? What was there for her? She had no friends, no place, no nothing. She didn’t even know enough about the world to know what she wanted to do in it.

Black spots started flying at her face. 

There was a hand on the back of her neck, pressed against the skin. “Jesus, you’re burning up. Cap, you’re safe. You’re okay. Just keep breathing.”

“I can’t. I can’t…”

“Sure you can. In and out.”

She shook her head and sat up. “I can’t do this. I can’t… I don’t…”

“What can’t you do? Huh? What’s going through your mind right now?”

It felt painful, forcing the words out around the lump in her throat and chest. “I don’t have anything. There’s nothing for me in this century. I’m just…. I can’t…”

Barton wiped Steve’s cheek with the back of his hand. “That’s just the panic talking. You’ve got plenty. You’re not the first soldier to come home and find everything different, believe me.”

“Everyone I know is dead. And Peggy’s losing her memory. And even if she wasn’t, where do I fit into her life anymore? She doesn’t need me. She’s had her life. I was just… a moment.”

“But an important moment. You said she accepted you for what you are. How did you know?”

She shook her head and started keeling over again, the pain in her chest too much.

Barton pushed her back up. “How did you know, Steve?”

“She kissed me,” she whispered. “Before I jumped on the Red Skull’s ship, she kissed me just like she would have kissed me if I was a man.”

“You weren’t just a moment. She’ll want to see you. She’ll want to see you and touch you and know that you’re alive.”

“But after that,” Steve said. “After that, what do I do? I won’t have her. We won’t, you know. Reunite and kiss and sail off into the sunset together. I’ve lost her just as much as I’ve lost Bucky. I’m alone.”

“You’ll meet someone new. You…”

She couldn’t help the pained sound that escaped her at the thought. “How the hell can I do that when I’m whatever I am? I don’t even know what I am, I can’t… I can’t… I’m not…”

“Okay, okay.” He wiped Steve’s face again. “That’s thought is too much. I get it. You just got home…”

“I’m not home. I’ll never be home again.”

“It’ll be home. Not today and not anytime soon, but one day you’ll wake up and it will be home. I promise you that.”

“And until then?” she said, voice plaintive.

“Until then? I don’t know. I guess, well. There’s always work.”

She blinked tears out of her eyes and looked up. 

“You have SHIELD. And they’d love to have to sign on full time. Become an agent and work with them. Work is a good way to find yourself when you’re lost. When you feel like you have nothing.”

“Maybe.”

“Hey, it’s not the only choice. I mean, get therapy, join a support group, whatever. Travel. I’m sure you’ve got back pay. You can go anywhere in the world you want. Do anything you want.”

“But I don’t know what I want. The world’s too big, and there’s too much, and I don’t know.”

Barton nodded. “Okay. So, for now, stick with what you know. You know how to be a soldier.”

“Yeah.”

“So, stick with that. Get used to being here. Train with SHIELD, go on missions. You’ll get used to being in this century. You’ll make friends so you’re not as alone. You’ll start feeling your place. It will be okay.”

She took a deep breath and allowed his words to wash over her. She wasn’t sure that she believed them, but they helped settle her, just a bit.

“Can you say it?”

“What?”

He gave her a crooked smile. “Say that everything is going to be okay.”

“I don’t…”

“I know you don’t believe it. That’s fine. Just say it and see how it feels.”

She sighed and sniffed. “It’s going to be okay.”

“Good! Now. Right this moment, what do you want to do? More than anything else. What do you want to do?”

She didn’t even have to think about it. “I want to go home and take this uniform off. And then I want food.”

“All right. I’ll give you a ride.” He stood and offered her a hand up.

“Thanks, Clint,” she said after she was standing. “I’m, uh…”

“You’re welcome,” he said before she could finish her apology. “Now, let’s blow this joint and get you out of the stars and stripes.”

“Here, here.”


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning, Steve opened her eyes and stared up at the ceiling. Despite spending an enjoyable evening with Clint, she felt empty and hollow. Not tired anymore, not physically. But her mind was exhausted. She wanted to roll over and go back to sleep, only she knew she’d never be able to. She was too wide awake.

After her episode in the stairwell yesterday, she’d been drained the rest of the day. Clint hadn’t brought up her moment of weakness, but he clearly hadn’t wanted to leave her alone, either. He’d brought her home and then hung around. Showed her how to use Netflix, and they’d watched a couple of Bogart movies that had come out after Steve had gone into the ice. Clint had been texting someone on his phone on and off, and had even left once to talk to someone, but, otherwise, he’d just been there. A comforting presence offering a semblance of normalcy.

She hadn’t had anything like that in years. Not since before the war. 

But now, it was back to normal. Well. The new normal. She was in the future, and she was alone. She had to get used to that.

Maybe it would help if she stopped thinking of it as the future and started thinking about it as the present. Her present. She was presently in 2012 and it wasn’t the future any more. It was now. She wasn’t going to wake up and find this was some horrible dream. This was reality.

Steve let out a long sigh. Okay. This was okay. She was going to be okay. Because that alternative was she’d stay in bed forever, never leaving the room, never going outside again, and that obviously wasn’t going to happen.

And things weren’t so bad in the fu… present. She survived her first alien invasion. The city was still standing. She’d made a friend… maybe. She had access to an unfathomable amount of movies and now knew how to actually access them. And she was going to get to talk to Peggy.

Peggy.

She climbed out of bed and went into the living room. Her laptop was on the coffee table. She booted it up and then went online, searching for Peggy Carter. After a few minutes of browsing, she found what she was looking for. Pictures.

She couldn’t find anything past 1989. But there was a picture of her at sixty-eight years old, still working with SHIELD. Steve’s heart clenched at the sight of her, old, but still so beautiful. 

God, she was ninety-one now. Somehow, in everything, that thought had never occurred to Steve. She’d known that Peggy was older, but it hadn’t really sunk in what that meant. But now it was, and it tore Steve apart. It made her want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over her head. 

And it wasn’t like she’d ever thought she’d have a future with Peggy. Oh, maybe for one brief moment. When Peggy had kissed her, something inside Steve had burst into life. Hope and joy. All her life, she’d thought that she’d never have someone. Bucky would eventually get married and leave her, and she’d, well. Who’d want someone like her? Someone who didn’t even know what to call herself. Someone who was one thing on the outside and another on the inside. Who’d ever love her?

But Peggy had. She’d known what Steve was and had accepted it. There was hope.

Then Steve had crash landed in the Artic, and that dream was killed. Just because she survived didn’t make the dream any less dead.

She sighed and closed the browser window. She didn’t want to look at pictures of Peggy any more. Didn’t want to think about it anymore. It was too hard.

Speaking of hard...

Out of curiosity, she opened the search engine again and typed in “transgender”. It was still the wrong identity, and she refused to use it, but it was a starting place. Maybe it would lead her to these other identities that Clint had mentioned.

The first result is a Wikipedia article. She’d gotten used to Wikipedia in the past month, so she clicked and started reading.

And then stopped short when she came to the line that read, “it may include people who are not exclusively masculine or feminine (people who are genderqueer/non-binary, e.g. bigender, pangender, genderfluid, or agender).”

She clicked the link for genderqueer and kept reading.

There was a lot in there that didn’t sit with her. The stuff about pronouns didn’t fit, because she had no desire to be called they or zie or anything else. She was fine with he and him from other people. If pressed, she usually thought of herself as, well, she, but wanted other people to call her he. It was weird and didn’t make sense, and there were some people, like Bucky, she was okay with thinking of her as she. So she wasn’t strict about it. 

But….

But…

“Not exclusively masculine or feminine…”

“Having an overlap of, or indefinite lines between gender identity…”

“Not conforming to binary genders…”

Okay, maybe she did the last. She conformed to a male gender. But she didn’t always feel like a man (whatever that meant). Sometimes, she felt like a woman (whatever that meant). But her presentation didn’t change. 

And, unlike transgender, genderqueer just sort of felt right. She’d never thought of herself as queer, not in her sexual preference, she definitely felt queer when it came to gender.

She didn’t think Fury was going to be happy. He wanted something simple from her. Well. She had never been simple. She didn’t have a simple answer to give. But this… this she could live with. This fit her.

Steve smiled. “I’m genderqueer,” she said out loud, trying it out.

No lightning flashed. No earthquake struck. The world didn’t end.

It was the right word. At least, it was the right word for now. And if it changed, then it changed, and Fury and the doctors would just have to deal.

Feeling a little better, she closed the laptop and went into the kitchen to start breakfast. She wondered, now that she had a label that fit, if she’d start telling people. She tried to imagine that. Tried to imagine telling Stark.

Her brain ground to a halt.

Okay, so no. Not Stark. Maybe Romanoff?

No. No, it still felt weird. Wrong. 

Maybe it was just that she was so used to hiding it. So used to being afraid of being discovered. That sort of thing didn’t go away just because, suddenly, there were no consequences. Well, there would be consequences. Reactions. But she wasn’t at risk of going to an asylum or prison any more. That was gone, at least.

But it still felt wrong to tell. It was just a private thing, something that was just between her and Bucky. At least, that was how it was supposed to be. Now, though, Bucky was dead and a bunch of people at SHIELD knew. She was going to have to get used to that, to feeling exposed.

So, for now she would just keep it to herself. If Fury got after her again, she’d let him know what she’d decided on, even though she knew he wasn’t going to like it. Maybe she’d tell Clint, too. But, other than that, she felt no driving need to share her gender identity with anyone. It wasn’t their business.

But, maybe, having a gender identity would help with some of the stress. She wasn’t hiding anything anymore. 

It felt good to have a handle on what she was. For the first time, she didn’t feel quite as alone.

*** 

She spent the day at home, alternating between watching the twenty-four hour news channel and Netflix. The news was all about the attack on New York. They showed footage of the fight, captured mostly by civilian cell phones and cameras. There was some professional footage, too, by news reporters who’d rushed to the scene after the fighting had begun. She hadn’t noticed any of them during the battle, but there the battle was. Her and Thor, fighting side by side. She winced as she was blasted in the side and fell. That must have been how she’d broken her ribs; in the heat of it all, she hadn’t been sure how it’d happened.

The news vacillated between shots of the battle and shots of people talking about the battle. Whose fault was it? Where were the Avengers now? Who was going to clean it up? Who was responsible for the mess?

Good questions, but she had no answers. Loki wasn’t going to face a court of law, not on Earth. And he shouldn’t. There was no way they’d be able to contain a being like that. Thor had mentioned that he had special chains and a muzzle for Loki. The chains would prevent him from using his magic, and the muzzle would stop him from spreading more lies. 

Steve couldn’t help but wonder why he hadn’t used them on the Helicarrier, but figured that Thor had thought Loki was contained enough. And he had been, mostly. If Loki’s men hadn’t attacked, Loki probably wouldn’t have gotten out. 

Probably.

But, what was done was done. Loki was in custody now and, soon, would be off planet facing Asgardian justice. New York would rebuild. It’d be fine.

Late in the afternoon, she pulled out her sketchbook. Images swirled in her head, and she pressed the point of her pencil against the paper. Minutes passed. Her heart started pounding. She could feel the pressure of a thousand things pressing against her brain, and she couldn’t quite focus herself enough to do anything about it.

For a moment, her vision tunneled in on her. She felt like she had on the stairwell with Clint. There was too much of the world and not enough her, and it was all too big. Too much.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Held it for ten beats, and then let it out slowly.

When she opened her eyes, she felt calmer. Steadier. She was okay. She could do this. She’d survived worse.

Swallowing hard, she drew her pencil across the page. Drew a line. And then another. Started to join them, sketching, drawing.

Abruptly, she stopped. Lifted the pencil from the paper and threw it across the room.

She sat there, breathing. Short, ragged breaths. Like she’d been running. Like she’d had an asthma attack. 

What the hell was wrong with her?

Then, over the roaring in her ears, she heard something. A beep.

Startled, she blinked and looked around.

Her phone was on the coffee table. The screen was lit up with a message. 

Nat, Thor, and I are on our way over. We’ve got pizza. ETA 15 minutes.

She blinked at the phone. It took a moment for the meaning of the words to sink in. When they did, she sighed. Company meant she had to get dressed. She was wearing a pair of sweat pants and a tank top. Not company clothes. And she didn’t have her binder on. Despite knowing she didn’t have to put it on if she didn’t want to, she wasn’t quite ready to face near strangers with her breasts out. Precisely one person had seen her in her natural state, and he, really, was the only person she felt comfortable with. Even Clint, who knew, hadn’t earned the right.

So, she hauled herself up from the couch. Went to her room. Put her binder on and changed clothes. She hesitated before dressing. SHIELD had provided all her clothes, and she knew that whoever had gotten the clothes had bought what they figured someone from the forties would wear. And she’d mostly been wearing slacks and button up shirts because that’s what she was most comfortable with. 

But people in the fu… present didn’t dress like that. Not when they were hanging out with their friends or in their own homes. They wore jeans and tee shirts. She had a few of each. Maybe she should wear that. 

After a few minutes of deliberating, she finally decided on a blue shirt and jeans. The shirt was a little snug across her chest, but it was okay; she was flattened down and just looked muscular. The jeans were a little stiff, being new and unwashed, but they weren’t form fitting like she’d seen on some men. 

She was just running her fingers through her hair, which she hadn’t done anything with that day, when there was a knock at the door.

Clint, Natasha, and Thor stood on the other side. Clint had four boxes of pizza. Thor, dressed in jeans, tee shirt, and a hoodie, had a six pack of beer.

“Hey, Cap,” Natasha said. “Hope you don’t mind us dropping in like this.”

“No, not at all. And it’s Steve.” She stepped back and gestured for them to come in.

“Now, I’ve seen you eat,” Clint said, following Natasha inside. “And I’ve seen Thor eat, and I already know this isn’t going to be enough pizza. Do you have a pizza place nearby?”

She shrugged. “I have no idea. Probably. There used to be a place a few blocks from here. I think it’s still there.”

“This isn’t where you lived in the forties, is it?” Natasha asked.

“No. I mean, I lived in Brooklyn, but not this apartment. Bucky and I lived in a much more run-down neighborhood. It was all we could afford.”

Clint put the pizza down on the kitchen table. “Do you have paper plates?”

She raised her eyebrows. She hadn’t realized paper plates were something people had in their houses. “Uh, no. I got regular plates.”

“Yeah, but you gotta wash regular plates.”

She pointed at the dishwasher.

“You know how to use it?”

“And the microwave, too. I’m not… I mean, I pick things up pretty easy. It’s just a few buttons. Hey, I was even able to navigate Netflix earlier, just like you showed me.”

“What did you watch?”

“His Girl Friday. I’ve seen it before, but I needed something, you know. Familiar.”

“Comfort food.” Clint flipped the box open and gestured to the pizza. “Same reason I brought pizza. Nothing better than recovering from an alien invasion than comfort food.”

Thor placed the beer on the table next to the pizza. “I only understood about half of the words you just said. But, I understand the concept of comfort food. Beer is in that category, is it not?”

Steve grinned and shrugged. “I’ll drink it, but it doesn’t do anything for me. I can’t get drunk. Can’t even get tipsy anymore.” She went to the drawers and started looking for a can opener. “Before the serum, a sip was enough to start getting me slightly drunk. A whole bottle almost wiped me out. Now? Nothing.”

“That is a tragedy,” Thor proclaimed. “Is it true for all alcoholic beverages?”

“Yup. My metabolism works too fast. Just burns through the alcohol. Last time I tried to get drunk, I had a whole bottle of whiskey. Nothing.” She found the bottle opener and grabbed a bottle. 

“I’ve noticed the same effect on me,” Thor said. “When I was last here, Selvig and I went to a bar. I imbibed quite a lot, but felt no effects.” He took the offered beer from Steve. “Next time I come, I’ll bring something from Asgard. That should work even on you.”

She smiled and took a swig of beer. The taste was different than what she was used to, but she was getting used to that. Everything tasted different in the fu… present.

“These drawings are really good,” Natasha said from the living room. She was studying the sketches that were framed on the walls. “Who did them?”

“Uh, me. SHIELD took some of my drawings and brought them here. Apparently, a lot of my stuff is actually in a museum archive, but they were able to get these.” She licked her lips, her throat tight. “When Bucky left, I didn’t write him a lot of letters. I drew him pictures. Of home, of the tour. These are the ones I sent to him.”

Natasha turned from the drawing to study her. She didn’t say anything for a long moment, long enough for Steve to get uncomfortable, but finally she said, “They’re good. Did you have training?”

Clint laughed and came into the living room, carrying a plate of pizza and bottle of beer. “Don’t you know anything about Captain America? He went to art school and everything. Even worked as an artist before joining the war, right, Cap?”

She blushed. “Yeah. I mean, it was just advertisements and stuff. I did draw a few political cartoons that got published, but it wasn’t… I mean, I never had a gallery or anything.”

“Still, you worked in what you loved to do,” Natasha said. “Not many people get to do that. Do you have anything else? Anything recent?”

Her failure to be able to draw anything burned hot in her stomach. “No. I…” She shook her head. “No.”

Natasha and Clint exchanged looks. 

“Have you been to any museums since you came back?” Natasha started to the kitchen. “Art’s come a long way since the 1940s.”

She shook her head. “I should go, huh? Haven’t thought… I mean, it’s just been…”

“Yeah, overwhelming, I get it. But it’s something to think about.” She got herself a piece of pizza and beer.

She nodded and took another sip of her beer. “So, uh, how’s everything at headquarters?”

“Mostly boring. We didn’t do much today, just sat around and tried to recover,” Clint said. Then he wrinkled his nose. “I spent a lot of time with the shrink today, going over what happened with Loki. Man, that guy cannot leave soon enough. No offense, Thor.”

“No, I agree. The sooner he is on Asgard, the better for all of us. Even with his magic cut off and his tongue bound, there is still mischief he can get up to.”

“Was always like… like he is now?” Steve asked, taking a seat on the arms of one of the chairs. She’d wanted to ask if Loki’d always been a crazy, power hungry, would-be dictator, but it seemed impolitic.

Thor shook his head. “He was always crafty. Untrustworthy. But he wasn’t… cruel. We didn’t always get along, but he was my brother and my friend. We fought and squabbled as brothers do, but I could depend on him. Even when he ruined my coronation, it wasn’t…. it wasn’t like this. There was a method to his madness. This was… just madness.”

“How did he ruin your coronation?” Natasha sat on the sofa and pulled her feet under her.

Thor took one of the other chairs. “I was to be crowned king of Asgard, taking over from my father. But, during the ceremony, Frost Giants, beings from the realm of Jotunheim, came to Asgard and attacked. They were trying to steal the Cask of Ancient Winters, a relic that Asgard won from their realm many years ago. It turned out that Loki had allowed them onto the planet, knowing that it would enrage me. He encouraged me to lead an attack party on Jotunheim, against my father’s orders.” He shrugged. “The result was my banishment to Earth. My father stripped me of my powers and took my hammer.”

“Why did Loki do all that?” Clint asked.

“To prove I was not yet ready to rule.” Thor shrugged, smiling self-deprecatingly. “He was right. I am not ready to rule. Nor do I wish to, not anymore.”

“So, when did he change?” Clint pressed. “How did he become what he is now?”

Thor sighed and took a long drink of beer. “I believe his mind fractured when he found out his true heritage. He is not Asgardian. He is a Jotun.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Steve asked.

“Jotun are longtime enemies of Asgard. They are a race of giants who live on a planet made of ice and snow. They are large and blue and hideous to behold.”

“Loki doesn’t fit any of those qualities,” Natasha said. 

Thor shook his head. “He is a shape shifter. He can change his form at will.”

“But, he had to have known. If he’s a shape shifter, he had to have known he’d changed his shape,” Steve said. “Right?”

Thor shook his head again. “He thought he was of Asgard and that was his true shape. It was sometime during the fight on Jotunheim that he discovered what he was. My father confirmed it after I was banished and Loki… I believe it broke his mind. He has not been the same since.”

Steve sipped her beer. Despite herself, she felt a little sympathy towards Loki. Not enough to forgive him for what he’d done, but just a sort of general sympathy. It had to have been difficult discovering that not only was he not the species he thought he was, but he looked completely different than he thought he did. His own body had betrayed him.

Yeah. Steve knew a little of what that was like.

“It must have been a shock,” she said. She got up to get herself pizza. “You were on Earth?”

“Yes. And my father fell into the Odinsleep after Loki found out, leaving him to deal with it alone.”

“Odin… sleep?”

“It’s a deep sleep from which he cannot be woken,” Thor explained. “It replenishes his powers and restores his health and vitality. I was to become king so he could deliberately go into the state, but when he banished me, he then fell unexpectedly into sleep.”

“Who was left in charge, then?” Natasha asked.

Thor grimaced. “Loki. He was raised royal, but it was never expected that he…”

“So, let me get this straight.” Clint leaned forward, placing his pizza on the sofa next to him. “Man finds out that not only is he not Asgardian, but he’s from an enemy race that looks nothing like he does, then his father goes into a coma and he becomes king?”

“Yes.”

“I think I’m beginning to see how he became messed up.”

“Falling from the Bifrost did not help matters, either.”

“Okay, that’s a word I’m not familiar with,” Clint said.

“Now you know how I feel all the time,” Steve couldn’t help but say, earning a grin from the other man.

“Perhaps I should tell you the whole tale,” Thor said. “Like Steve’s story yesterday, this one isn’t a simple one.”

“Please, do.” Steve slid off the arm of the chair and into the chair proper. “I’d like to hear the whole thing.”

“Very well. As I said, it started with my coronation.”

Steve listened, wide-eyed, as Thor told the story. She vaguely remembered the stuff in New Mexico had been in the debriefing package Fury had given her, but it hadn’t seemed too important. Just in a, “and this is what the aliens can do,” sort of way. She’d watched the footage and moved on.

“And then he let go of my hand,” Thor said. “I thought him dead. I never thought he would survive a fall like that.”

“The Chitauri must have rescued him,” Steve said.

“Don’t know about rescue.” Clint looked pensive. “When he first came through the portal, he looked rough. Stayed rough for a few days after he took me. Just… pale, moving funny. Careful with everything he looked at and touched. A few times, he went into a kind of trance. The staff he had would glow, and it was like he was somewhere else. When he came back, he’d be pale and sweaty and snappish.” He shrugged. “Seems like someone who’d had a rough time of it. Not necessarily torture, but I don’t think it was entirely a partnership.”

“You’re not trying to excuse him, are you Clint?” Natasha asked.

“No. Not at all. He killed all those people without a second thought. Almost destroyed New York. Fucked with my mind. I’m not excusing him. But, it’s possible that he wasn’t acting totally independently, that’s all.”

“Which means,” Steve said, picking up the thread, “this may not be over. Not entirely.”

Thor frowned. “The Chitauri needed the portal to come through to Earth. They are not close, and don’t seem to have the technology to get here, at least not quickly. If there are any left, they may still come, but it will be many years before they get here. Besides. They were after the Tesseract, and I will be taking that with me. They don’t have the motivation to come here anymore.”

“Yeah, but do they know that?”

“Asgard will always stand ready to help should they come. Or,” he amended, “at least I will.”

“Thanks, Thor,” Steve said. “We appreciate that.” Her stomach rumbled, and she got up to get more pizza. 

“You know, I was there,” Clint said. “When you beat up everyone to get at the hammer. Coulson had me go up to take you out.”

“With your bow and arrow?” Thor asked.

He nodded. “My preferred of weapon. You were amazing. Watching you plow through SHIELD’s best was awe inspiring. I was glad when Coulson told me to hold. Would have been a shame to shoot you.”

“I, too, am pleased.” He frowned and rolled his beer against his palm. “I am sorry that Loki killed him. He was a good man.”

Clint raised his bottle. “To Coulson.”

“To Coulson,” they all said, then drank in silence.

“Okay,” Natasha said. “This got serious. Not that it’s bad, but we need to decompress after yesterday. So. Poker or movie?”

Clint said, “Why not both?”

“I’m not good at poker,” Steve said. “But I’ll play.”

“I don’t know the rules, but I am always willing to learn something new.”

Natasha pulled a deck of cards out of her back pocket and began shuffling. “The rules are easy. Got anything to bet, Steve? Candy or chips or pretzels?”

She snorted. “I’ve got all of those. Whoever stocked this place put everything. Let’s do M&Ms?” She went to the cupboard and pulled out a bag. 

“I love M&Ms.” Natasha grinned. “And looks like I’m going to have a pile by the time we’re done.”

“Shut up and deal, Romanoff,” Clint said.

“Oh, The Apartment! We should totally show Steve that one.”

“One thing at a time. We’ll play a few rounds and then watch.”

Natasha nodded. “All right, gentlemen. Prepare to lose.”

And, that’s just what Steve did.


	7. Chapter 7

The next couple of days, Steve woke early and went for a run. It felt good, getting out and moving. Cleared her head somewhat.

Which was why it was strange that, while she was brushing her teeth, her heart started pounding and the roaring in her ears came back. She found herself shaking and gripping the sides of the sink hard, trying to stop it. 

It only lasted a few minutes, but they were long minutes. By the end, she felt emotionally wiped out and physically exhausted.

After the second time it happened, she decided to go to SHEILD. Maybe it was anxiety about Loki. Fear that he’d escape and that they’d have to take him on again. She didn’t really think it was that, but at least it was something to do.

“He’s fine, Cap,” Fury said when she got to headquarters. “Locked up, not talking.”

“Thought he couldn’t talk. Not with the muzzle.” She wrinkled her nose at the image of Loki on the screen. She knew the muzzle was a necessity, but it looked barbaric and cruel.

“He has to eat. We take it off a couple times a day to feed him. Guards go in with earplugs, but he never says anything. Just looks disdainfully at everything before eating. That’s all.” He turned away from the screen and leaned against the computer desk. “Why you really here?”

She shrugged and tried to hold back the sense of shame that washed over her. She was panicking over nothing for no reason, but she couldn’t tell Fury that. He’d think she was crazy, that something was wrong with her. Maybe he’d even lock her up.

“Just thought I should check in, make sure everything was okay,” she finally said. “There’s only so much Netflix a person can watch before they want to do something.”

Fury almost smiled at that. “There’s not much for you to do here right now. Most of our efforts are cleaning up post battle and putting out fires. Best for you not to get involved. But, come to think of it, Thor’s starting to look bored. Maybe you can introduce him to the gym, get him to get some of his aggression out.”

She nodded. “Where is he now?”

“Last I saw, he, Barton, and Romanoff were in the mess. Might still be there.”

She started toward the door. “Sounds good.”

“Cap?”

“Yeah?”

“You see a shrink after the battle? It’s standard procedure.”

She shook her head. 

“Make sure you do. I know that you’re used to toughing things out on your own, but the last thing we need is anyone not dealing with something they need to deal with. And that was a lot to deal with.” He paused a moment, then said, “Both Barton and Romanoff have already been.”

“Okay. I will.” She smiled, trying to look normal, like she hadn’t been near tears holding a toothbrush this morning, and then left to find the others.

*** 

Somehow, taking Thor turned to the gym turned into sparring with Thor. It was all Natasha’s idea, so Steve found herself in the boxing ring, facing off with the God of Thunder.

They’d agreed to hand-to-hand only, so no hammer and no shield. They both wore workout clothes, so no armor. Other than that, the only rules were to do their best to win.

Steve thought she did pretty well. Thor was strong. Focused. And he knew all these tricks that she didn’t. He was fast and when he connected, Steve found herself flying across the room.

She didn’t lose by much, but she did lose. After about forty-five minutes, she found herself on her back, unable to throw Thor off.

“Okay, okay,” she said, laughing through the pain in her ribs. She was pretty sure that she’d cracked a couple again, but she wasn’t worried; she healed quickly. “I give.”

Thor climbed off her and offered her a hand up. “You are a worthy opponent, Steve. A strong and a fierce warrior. However…”

“However, how much training do you have?” asked Natasha from the sidelines.

Steve limped out of the ring and grabbed her water. Before she answered, she took a long drink. “Well,” she finally said. “Before the war, Bucky gave me some boxing lessons. And, I got into a fight about every week, so that’s like training. But other than that…” She shook her head.

Natasha raised her eyebrows. “So you have no formal fight training. You just… go in swinging and hope you win?”

“Well, I have the shield. That helps.”

She let out a surprised laugh. “Dumb luck and some natural skill. That’s all you’ve got?”

“With an emphasis on dumb luck.” She swiped at her forehead. “I don’t suppose you could train me?”

“I don’t know if I’m the best person for the job. I mean, SHIELD has trainers. Fury will probably have you work with them. But, yeah, I can show you some of the basics. Not right now. What’s wrong with your side?”

She rolled her eyes. “I think I cracked a rib.”

“I’m sorry, Steve,” Thor said. “I didn’t mean to cause you injury.”

“No, it’s fine. I know you didn’t. But I guess I should go to medical.”

“I’ll go with you,” Thor said.

“It’s fine,” she protested, but Thor waved away her protests.

“We’ll catch you at dinner, then?” Clint asked. He’d spent most of the fight in the corner, texting on his phone, but he looked up now. “There’s an Chinese place down the street that’s open again. Want to try it?”

“Sure, sounds good. Seven?”

“Seven it is. Now, go take care of yourself.”

Steve limped to the elevator, Thor with her. He didn’t offer support, but was clearly ready to catch her if she fell or stumbled.

“I’m not hurt that badly,” she said as the doors closed. “It hurts, but I think it’s already healing. But SHIELD gets touchy if you’re injured and don’t report it. In my first week, I accidently broke a finger when I was using the punching bag. When they found out, they weren’t happy, even though it healed fine.”

“I would never leave a fellow warrior alone, not if they are injured. Besides, I am curious to know. Do the others know that you are a woman?”

She winced and leaned against the wall of the elevator. “Uh, no. Well. Clint does and Fury does, but not the rest. It’s kind of… complicated.”

“Complicated how?”

“I don’t really identify as a woman. Call myself one, that is. I’m…” And here it was. The moment of truth.

She swallowed and felt her face heat. “It’s called genderqueer. Means I’m not really man or woman, just sort of… in between. But most people think I’m a man, and I’m fine with that.” She rubbed her face; her heart was pounding again, but she didn’t feel out of control like before. “How did you know?”

“It didn’t become obvious until I was on top of you. It took me a moment, but then I realized what I was… feeling?”

“Oh. That’s… okay.” She scrubbed her hand over her face. “So. Are you okay with it?”

Thor frowned. “I find it odd. Clearly on this planet, women can be warriors. Like Natasha or Maria Hill. Why pretend…”

“I’m not pretending. I’m not a woman. I’m something else.”

“Right. It is strange. I have never encountered such a thing. On Asgard, there are men who desire to be women, and women who desire to be men. Or, at least they desire to have the role of a woman or man. It is a hard road for them. My friend, Lady Sif, fought long and hard to be accepted as a warrior, and there are still those who make remarks, both in her hearing and not. Those who do it in her hearing are taught a lesson by her, and soundly. But I have never heard of someone who is… genderqueer.”

She laughed. “Neither had I until this week. But it’s who I am. I hope you can accept that.”

Thor shrugged and held out his hand. “You are a worthy warrior and a good man. Person. I am proud to call you friend.”

She took his hand and shook. “Me too.”

*** 

Three ribs were cracked. Despite Steve’s insistence that they didn’t hurt much, and they’d heal in a few hours, the doctor told Steve that she couldn’t leave the infirmary until they did heal. So, she found herself lying in bed, ice pack on the injury, reading. Thor had left some time ago and despite the book being interesting, she was bored.

“Hello, Steve.”

But not bored enough for this.

She closed the book and looked up at her psychologist. “Dr. Gliden. Hi.”

“Mind if I sit down?”

Yes. “Not at all.”

Dr. Gliden pulled a seat closer to the bed and sat. “Director Fury wanted me to check in with you. It’s standard procedure after a battle like this one. Any major battle, actually. But one with aliens and nuclear weapons? It’s definitely best to make sure your head is on right.”

“Did you see anyone?” she asked. “I mean, I know that you didn’t fight, but…” She trailed off and ran her thumb over the edge of her book.

He smiled and nodded. “I have a therapist, yes. And after the dust settled, I called her and talked.” He frowned. “You know, Steve, sometimes I get the feeling you’re not entirely comfortable talking with me. Would you maybe prefer a female therapist?”

She shrugged and immediately wished she hadn’t when her ribs pulled and breath caught. “No, it’s not that. I’m just not used to the whole… talking about my feelings thing. Or talking about some of the things you want me to talk about. It wouldn’t be any easier with a woman.”

“Okay, I can understand that. You’re reticent by nature. Was there every anyone you felt comfortable sharing your feelings with?”

She sighed and chewed on her bottom lip. It was a fair question, but she didn’t know how to answer it. She’d never hid how she felt around her mother or Bucky. Well. She’d hidden that she how she felt about him from Bucky, but other than that… If she was angry, she’d be angry. If she was happy, she’d be happy. She never hid how she felt from either of them, sometimes to their exasperation.

“I guess,” she finally said, “I showed my feeling with Mom and…” She swallowed. “Bucky. I mean, I never hid how I felt. But I didn’t talk about my feelings. Not like you want me to do. It would have felt weird. It still feels weird. I mean, what do you want me to say? That during the battle I felt scared? Of course I did. I was terrified. But that couldn’t matter, there was a job to do. So I did it.”

“That’s good. That’s very good, Steve. But it’s not just during the battle, it’s after. How do you feel now?”

She started to shrug, but caught herself and tilted her head instead. “I’m fine.”

“No nightmares? Panic attacks?”

“What’s a panic attack?”

Dr. Gliden leaned forward. He talked a lot with his hands, and they started to wave in the air now. “It’s a sudden feeling of anxiety or panic. Your heart races, you get shortness of breath. You have the feeling that something bad is going to happen, or is happening right now. You might shake or something goes numb. Have you had anything like that?”

She let out a deep breath and nodded, not meeting his eyes.

“You’re having panic attacks?”

She nodded again.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’d be surprised if you weren’t experiencing something like that. You’ve been through a lot, and not just in the past month. It’s been over a year for you, being at war. And to come back so traumatically…”

Her hands tightened on the book, bending the soft pages between them. “I don’t think… I mean, the first time, I was thinking about Peggy. But the other times, I’m not… I don’t know what I’m thinking about.”

“They’re not coming from nowhere, Steve. You might not be aware of what you’re thinking, but something is triggering the panic. You said the first time, you were thinking about Peggy. What do you mean?”

Tears were pressing behind her eyes, and she took a deep breath, trying to push them back. She didn’t want to cry in front of this man. Nothing against him; she didn’t want to cry in front of anyone. “Just that, I’m going to see her. But she’s not like she was. I guess I was thinking of her as still being my age, but that’s not how it’s going to be. She’s ninety-one and I’m. I’m not.”

“Ah.” Dr. Gliden nodded, looking grave. “What were you doing another time?”

“This morning, I was brushing my teeth. And the world just suddenly seemed too big.” She shrugged and tried to smile. “It’s stupid.”

“No, it’s not stupid. You’re having an expected reaction to a very strange situation. And you’re not alone. There are soldiers who are coming back from the war right now who are going through the same thing. They went away, and their world was one thing. They come back, and it’s different. Friends change, family change. People die. Lovers leave them. They have to learn to deal with things being different. Just like you. Maybe not on the same scale, but…. Steve, there are groups…”

“No. I don’t want to talk to a group.”

“You don’t have to talk. Just go and listen. Maybe you won’t feel as alone if you listen to other soldiers in similar circumstances.”

She just didn’t see how sitting in a room, listening to people talking about their problems was supposed to make her stop panicking over toothpaste. It was a nice idea, but it sounded a little farfetched.

“Maybe.”

Dr. Gliden let out a little sigh and nodded. “There are other support groups that you might want to look into, too. Like for transgender…”

“I’m not transgender. I’m genderqueer,” she said. Again, her face heated and her heart picked up speed at the admission.

Dr. Gliden didn’t bat an eye. He just nodded and said, “Technically, it’s under the transgender umbrella. And, going to a group with other non cis-identified people might make you feel less alone. Understand yourself a little bit.”

“I’m not ready. It’s hard enough to tell… anyone.”

“Have you told anyone?”

She shook her head. “Clint Barton and Thor figured it out. I told Thor about being genderqueer when he asked if I was a woman. But I haven’t just told anyone. Not yet.”

“Well. Now that you have an identity, you might want to think about it. It’s totally up to you, and you should never feel like you have to tell anyone. It’s unfortunate that you come with baggage and expectations. Everyone knows that Captain America is a man. It’s a burden to you, having to live with that label. Coming out might make you feel less… claustrophobic.”

“So, like, hold a press conference?”

He shook his head. “I was thinking more telling the rest of the Avengers. In private. As a start. And stopping there. I don’t know what Director Fury has planned for you. I do know that anything concerning your sex is strictly on paper—nothing is in the computers, there’s nothing official about it that could be discovered.”

“So, when Stark decrypted the SHIELD files, there was nothing about me?”

“Nothing about your physical sex or gender, no. So he won’t discover it like that. But that’s not saying it’s completely a secret or that it won’t come out somehow. However, I don’t want fear of discovery to motivate you coming out. I want you to do it because you feel it’s right.”

Steve shook her head and ran her fingers over the edges of her book. “I don’t know if I’ll ever feel it’s right. I’m just too used to hiding it.”

“It’s a new age, Steve. Eventually, you’ll feel like you’re living it in, and then you’ll realize you don’t have anything to hide. Trust me on that. But, for now, let’s talk about your panic attacks. I’ve got a few suggestions of what you can do next time have one.”

“Okay.” Then, because she had a feeling that he was right, she added, “Thanks, Doc.”

He smiled. “Of course.”


	8. Chapter 8

“And then he stabbed me,” Thor said with fond smile. “We were ten at the time.”

Steve, Clint, and Natasha looked at him with varying expressions of incredulity.

“I thought you said Loki didn’t go off the deep end until recently,” Clint finally said. He shook his head. “Sounds like he was always evil.”

“It was a childish prank.”

“That was the third prank that ended the exact same way,” Natasha said. “On Earth, generally we don’t stab people as a prank.”

“Yes, but you die a lot more easily than we. A stab wound is nothing, not even at such a young age. And the blade was not long. It was a mere scratch.”

“If you say so.” Steve picked up her chopsticks and scooped up some more rice. “I’ll just put it down to a cultural thing. I mean, Bucky and I used to prank each other, but there was no stabbing. More, salt in the sugar bowl type of thing.”

“Salt in the sugar bowl?” Now Thor looked puzzled.

Steve swallowed. “You put salt in the sugar bowl, and then when they got to add sugar to their coffee, it tastes bad.”

“What’s the point?”

“What’s the point of stabbing you?”

“Annoyance.”

She shrugged and nodded.

“Hey, there you are. Scoot over.”

“Tony?” Steve moved as Tony squeezed himself into the already cramped booth. 

Banner was standing at the end of the table. “Hey, guys. Mind if we join you?” He looked around and found a chair, then pulled it up to the table.

“This is delicious.” Tony was picking pieces of chicken off Steve’s plate and chewing enthusiastically. “Whose choice was this place? Nice job. Good food.”

“Forgive him, he hasn’t eaten anything in two days.” Banner looked somewhere between exasperated and embarrassed.

“I’ve been working.”

“Overworking.”

Tony waved his hand. “Point is, we’re done with the containment unit. Exactly to specifications, because I don’t know enough about the Tesseract to make any improvements. Neither SHIELD nor Selvig would let me play with it.”

“With good reason,” Thor said. “The Tesseract is a dangerous force and should not be meddled with.”

“So you’re not going to meddle with it on Asgard?” He pulled Steve’s plate away from her, grabbed some chopsticks, and dug in.

Steve rolled her eyes and let him. “How did you find us?”

“I called Fury to let him know we were done, and then asked where the rest of the team was. He said you’d come here, so here we came. Can we get more of this rice?”

She waved to the waiter. “We’ll another order of everything,” she said when he came over.

“Don’t know if we need that much.”

“I’m still hungry,” she said.

“Oh, right, fast metabolism. I read that in your file. Can you really not get drunk?”

She grabbed a half-eaten eggroll from the plate and took a bite. “Nope.”

“Tragedy. Maybe I could…”

“So, it’s done,” Clint interrupted. “Meaning Loki is leaving? When?”

“Fury said tomorrow morning,” said Banner.

“Is there somewhere with space we can go?” Thor asked. “The energy from the Tesseract will be large. I don’t want to be inside or near something that may get damaged.”

“Central Park should do it,” Tony suggested. “Wide open spaces. SHIELD can hold back civilians. And you can go off planet.”

“I, for one, will sleep easier when Loki is gone.” Banner smiled as the waiter placed more dishes of food on the table and handed him and Tony plates. “The last week, I’ve been on edge. I can feel the other guy under my skin, ready to break out if something goes wrong.”

“Loki is well contained,” Thor said. “And subdued. Losing has caused the fight to go out of him.”

“More likely, not having an entire army at his command has caused the fight to go out of him,” said Clint. 

“It’s probably a combination of things.” Natasha swirled the tea around in her cup. “Without the army, he has no way of winning. Why bother fighting?”

“He sleeps much, too.” Thor took some more food, loading his plate. “I think Clint was right when he said that Loki had a hard time of it with the Chitauri. My brother was never one to sleep very much, perhaps a few hours at most. Now, every time I check in on him, he’s asleep.”

“That could be boredom,” Natasha said. “Not having anything to do…” She shrugged. “Sleep is a good way to pass the time.”

“Sleep sounds wonderful.” Tony rubbed at his eye and then shoveled some chow mein into his mouth. “Can’t remember the last time I did that, either.”

“When Tony works, he stops everything else. I think he’s mostly caffeine at this point. Erik and I have been trying to get him to take a break, but he was a man obsessed.” Bruce threw a warm little smile at Tony.

“So. What’s the plan for tomorrow?” Steve asked. “We go to Central Park and…”

“And I will use the Tesseract to take Loki and me back to Asgard. And all this will be over.”

Steve nodded and pushed the food around on her plate with her chopsticks. “Just like that.”

“Well, except for the city needing to be rebuilt,” Clint pointed out. 

“And the possibility of any surviving Chitauri coming here at some point,” Steve added.

“As I told you, friend, should that happen, you will not be facing them alone.”

“How will you know? Or, what if the Avenger assemble and need you again? How will we get in touch with you?”

“I will instruct Heimdall to keep watch over you all. Should you need me, he will let me know.”

“And Heimdall is?” Tony asked.

Thor looked surprised, but said, “He’s the guardian of the Bifrost. Since it’s broken, he is repairing right now. But he keeps watch over the nine realms, and is all-seeing and all-hearing. He will know if you are in need of assistance, and he will inform me.”

“Great, just what we need, another set of eyes always watching us,” Tony said, voice flat and sarcastic.

“Tony,” Steve chided.

Tony rolled his eyes. “Between SHIELD watching our every move and now this Heimdall guy, I’m feeling a little violated, all right?”

“Heimdall means no harm.”

“I know. Still creepy, though.”

“Fury said that SHIELD isn’t going to be monitoring us after this,” Natasha said. 

“And you believe him?” Banner asked.

“I have no reason not to.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Tony said. “Like I said, they’re an intelligence organization. The whole point is to have fingers in as many pies as possible, including ours.”

Despite the food she was eating, her stomach growled again. “Pie sounds really good right now.”

Tony laughed and shoved the chicken at her. “Eat, you’re too skinny. So, what’s everyone going to do? You just defeated an alien army. What are you going to do now?” He said it in a strange voice, like a salesman or something. When no one said anything, he pouted a little bit and said, “Disneyland? Anyone?”

Steve smiled, because she did want to eventually go to Disneyland. She’d loved all the animated features they’d put out before the war, and had been excited to see that they were still being made. She hadn’t watched any of them, yet, but would. She wanted to go both to the Disney studios and Disneyland, some day.

But not now. Now, she had something more important to do. “I’m going to DC,” she said. “I’m going to see Peggy. And, after that, I don’t know. I’ll probably hang around SHIELD, see if there’s anything for me to do.”

“Yeah, I’m sure they’ll really turn you down,” Tony said. “What on Earth would they want with the only living super soldier?”

“What about you?”

“I’ve got stuff to build, things to design. And Bruce is going to help me, aren’t you Bruce?”

Banner shifted uncomfortably and shrugged. “Sure, I’ll stick around.”

“What about you, Clint?”

“Oh. SHIELD is giving me some time off, so I’m going to take it. Relax, regroup. I’m leaving right from the park, just… going.” He smiled. “And I’m not thinking about SHIELD the whole time I’m off.”

“If you want, I’ve got the names of some very eligible and very pretty models.”

Clint laughed. “Thanks, Stark, but I don’t need help I that department.”

“So. That’s it, then. Avengers disassembled.” Tony almost looked put out.

Steve punched him lightly on the shoulder. “The world can’t seem to keep itself out of trouble. We’ll be needed soon enough.”

“Yeah. I guess.” He frowned and chewed his lip a moment, then said, “Well, this got dark. Whose got a story to tell?”

There was a beat of silence, then Thor said, “Did I ever tell you about the time my hammer was stolen by a giant?”

“Does it end with Loki stabbing you?” Natasha asked.

“Not this particular tale.”

“Then, no. You didn’t tell it.”

Thor grinned and launched into his story. They were there long into the night, swapping stories, laughing, and eating.

It felt… normal. Good. It felt like she belonged here, and Steve liked it.

*** 

The next morning, Steve showed up at SHIELD headquarters early. She looked around for Clint and Natasha, but couldn’t find them anywhere. Unfazed, she headed up to security to check that Loki was where they’d left him last night.

Fury was standing over the monitors, arms crossed, gazing at them seriously. “Morning, Cap,” he said, not looking up.

“Morning. Prisoner still accounted for?”

“He’s sleeping. Barely moved all night.” He turned away from the monitors and looked at Steve. “So. You leaving for DC when this is done?”

She couldn’t suppress the grin. “Yes, sir. I’m going to call before I actually go. Make sure it’s okay to see her. But I’m heading out today.”

Fury pulled a slip of paper from his pocket and held it out. “This is her daughter’s number. I told her to expect your call. She’s eager to meet you.”

Steve took the paper and tucked it into her wallet. “Thanks, sir.”

“Call me Nick.” He studied her for a moment, then said, “What are your plans after? Road trip? Sightseeing?”

“I’m not… I’m not sure what I want to do, actually.” She scratched the back of her head. “I don’t think I’m ready to head out and explore the country. Still trying to figure out the everyday stuff. I guess I’ll come back to New York after I see Peggy. I don’t…”

“You know there’s always a place for you at SHIELD, right? You’re welcome to stay on.”

She nodded. “That might be okay. I mean, I want to.”

Fury actually smiled. “Good to hear. Now, I was thinking the best way to go about it is to transfer you to the Triskelion, which is DC. You’d have to relocate. I understand if you don’t want to…”

“No,” she said in a rush. “No, moving would be good. I think…” She floundered for words, trying to find the right one. Because, right now, she ran down streets that were ghosts of the one she knew. She saw herself down alleyways, and Bucky standing on the street corner. She saw her mom in the windows of old apartment buildings, and old friends in the parks and the stores. 

“I think I need to get out of the city,” she finally said. “Start somewhere new.”

Fury seemed to hear the words she wasn’t saying. He put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed. “Good. We’ll help you get settled, of course. You’re welcome to take anything from the apartment you’re in. And, when you’re ready, we’ll start training.”

“Training?”

“You’re good at what you do, but you could be better. I watched the footage of your fight with Thor yesterday. You’ve got holes in your defense and gaps in your attack strategy. We’ll fill them in before we send you out again. Providing nothing else happens, of course.”

“Of course.” She bit her lip, then said, “But I can still go today, right?”

“I’ve got a motorcycle gassed and ready for you.”

Her heart leapt. “Really?”

Fury laughed. “Really. Now, you have your phone, so if anything goes wrong…”

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” Her heart was pounding again, but this time it didn’t feel like a panic attack. It was pure joy rushing through her. 

In a few hours, she’d be on the open road traveling where she wanted to so she could do something she wanted to. There was no one in danger. There was no one hurt. There was plenty of food and water and there’d be a real bed at the end of the journey. And tomorrow, she didn’t have to get up at the crack of dawn, didn’t have to worry about SHIELD, didn’t have to report to anyone.

She was free.

“Thank you,” she finally said. “For everything.”

“Believe me, soldier. It’s the least I could do after all you’ve done.”

The door opened, and Natasha stuck her head inside. “We’re all here. It’s time.”

Fury clapped Steve on the shoulder again. “Let’s go say good-bye.”


	9. Chapter 9

Her heart was pounding again, but she didn’t think she was having a panic attack. Even though her palms were sweating and her stomach was twisted into knots.

 

But it was okay. It was a good kind of panic, if there was such a thing. She was panicking because today was the day she was going to see Peggy again.

 

She could do this. She was just going to sit down with an old friend, not face down an army of enemy aliens. This was Peggy.

 

The door opened and Peggy’s daughter, Diane, came into the waiting room. 

 

Steve stood.

 

“Okay, Steve, she’s ready,” Diane said. “She’s having a really good day today, but remember, that might change. If she starts getting confused or upset, I’ll be right out here.”

 

Steve nodded and tightened her grip on the bouquet of roses she’d brought. “And she’s… Okay. She’s ready.”

 

Diana smiled and put her hand on Steve’s arm. “Take a deep breath. I know this must be overwhelming for you.”

 

“A little. I’m just a little nervous.”

 

“I understand. So is she.” She squeezed Steve’s arm. “Go in. Down the hall, fourth door on the right.”

 

“Fourth door. Okay.” She took another deep breath, squared her shoulders, and started down the hall. The hall seemed to stretch as she walked down it, getting longer and darker. It tilted.

 

She stopped outside the door and took a breath, trying to regain her balance. And her composure.

 

She counted to twenty and then back down to zero twice before she felt settled enough. Once her stomach had stopped doing flips, she rapped her knuckles on the door.

 

“Come in,” a voice called.

 

Steve took another breath and opened the door.

 

Peggy’s back was to her when she stepped in. Long, gray hair cascaded over her shoulders. she wore a red dress and red shoes.

 

Then she turned.

 

All the breath went out of Steve, like she’d been punched. She thought she’d been prepared, but it was different. Knowing someone was old and seeing it for the first time. 

 

But, God, she was still so beautiful. Old, yes, but it was Peggy. The same determined eyes, the same set of her mouth and chin, the shape of her face…

 

Peggy’s eyes filled with tears and she broke into a smile. “Steve. Oh, God, you’re…” She covered her mouth with one hand and took a couple of quick shaky breaths.

 

Steve stepped toward her and then back. She wondered if she should go get Diane. “Peggy, I…”

 

Peggy dropped her hand from her mouth and held out her arms. “Hug me, you idiot!”

 

She moved to Peggy and took her into her arms. Carefully, because she looked thin and fragile. But the arms that enveloped her were strong. They held Steve tightly, hands gripping her back and shoulders. Peggy pressed her face into the crook of Steve’s neck, tears falling and wetting Steve’s skin.

 

“You okay?” Steve asked. She stroked Peggy’s back and pressed her face against Peggy’s hair.

 

She still smelled the same.

 

“I’m fine.” Peggy pulled back and placed her hand on Steve’s face. “I just can’t get over it. You’re alive.”

 

She covered Peggy’s hand. “I’m alive.”

 

Her eyes filled with tears again. “And you’re still so beautiful. After all these years, you look exactly the same.” 

 

“You’re the beautiful one. You’re still a knockout.”

 

“Stop.” She shook her head. “I must come as a shock to you. You didn’t experience the same passing of time that I did. I must look old.”

 

“No.”

 

“Liar.”

 

Steve hesitated a moment, gazing into Peggy’s eyes. Then, slowly, carefully, she lowered her head and kissed Peggy.

 

It was a light, chaste kiss. Peggy kissed her back before pulling away. “Don’t be silly, Steve.”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“Steve…”

 

“You’re older, but you’re still beautiful. You’re still the girl I fell in love with.” She went to kiss Peggy again, but Peggy pulled away and stepped back out of her arms.

 

A sharp pang of disappointment went through her. But Peggy had tears streaming down her face and was pulling a handkerchief from her pocket. 

 

“I’m sorry,” she said.

 

“You’ve done nothing wrong.” Peggy shook her head and wiped her eyes. “Nothing, Steve. You’re lovely. And so sweet. But I can’t…” She smiled sadly and shook her head again. “I can’t.”

 

“Okay.” She swallowed and held the flowers out. “I brought these for you.”

 

Peggy smiled. “Thank you.” She took them and held them up to her nose, inhaling deeply. “I love roses.” She walked to the kitchen area and started opening cabinets. “I have a vase here somewhere. Where… There it is. Can you reach it?”

 

Steve got the vase down and together they put the flowers into it. Then Peggy led them back into the living room and sat, gesturing for Steve to sit as well.

 

“We looked for you. Howard looked for you. For years. Until his death, he kept looking.”

 

“I was sorry to hear that he died.”

 

Peggy nodded. “It was a shock. I was sad to lose my friend.” She folded her hands in her lap. “How are you? I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. Are you all right?”

 

“I’m… I’m…” She swallowed and looked down at her hands. “I’m okay.”

 

Peggy took Steve’s hand in hers. “You always were a terrible liar.”

 

She turned Peggy’s hand over in hers. Stroked her thumb down Peggy’s palm. “The hard part is coming to terms with the idea that everything I wanted is impossible. That you’re… that we can’t be together. Even if you ever wanted that.”

 

“Of course I did.” She folded her fingers over Steve’s thumb. “Steve, I wanted to be with you. I loved you. I love you. I always have. No, you weren’t the only one I ever loved, but what I felt for you was so strong that it’s lasted all my life.” She put her hand on Steve’s chin and turned her head. “I would have done anything to be with you.”

 

Steve grew hot under Peggy’s gaze. She still wasn’t sure if Peggy remembered or not, and she didn’t know if she wanted to bring it up. Not straight on.

 

So, all she said was, “Even if I couldn’t give you the kind of life you imagined?”

 

Peggy laughed. “Darling, the life I wanted was one with you. I wanted you however I could have you. That fact that you’re a…. Are you a woman? I didn’t make that up. I know I didn’t. But, I mean, is that what you are? There are so many words now days to describe people. I’ve always wondered about you.”

 

She flushed. “I guess… I mean, I was looking online, and the word that felt the most right to me was genderqueer.”

 

“That’s not a slur?”

 

“What?”

 

“I just thought that queer was derogatory.”

 

Oh, great. Had she picked something that wasn’t acceptable? “I don’t know. I found it on Wikipedia. And my therapist didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with it.”

 

Peggy nodded. “Maybe it’s a reclaiming the term situation. I know that happens. If that’s what you want, then that’s what you call yourself. But what do you want me to call you? He or her or them or… or what?” 

 

“Just… he is fine. Or, you can call me she, but not to other people. Just when you think of me.”

 

“I’ll stick with he. Although, I can’t promise I won’t slip up. I’m so muddled these days.” She sighed and lay her head on Steve’s shoulder. “Of course, you come back into my life right when it’s getting harder and harder for me to remember it. I remember you, everything, right now, but there are days I don’t even know my own children.”

 

She put her arm around Peggy and held her close. “I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do.”

 

“I wish this was a problem Captain America could solve, but it’s in the hands of the doctors. And they can’t do anything.” She sighed and lifted her head. “Let’s talk of other things. How are you liking this century?”

 

She laughed and shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s… it’s big. And there’s a lot of it. It moves very fast. I feel like I’m just trying to catch up right now. Trying to understand what everyone says.” She swallowed. “I’m glad there’s the internet. It helps so much. I’m on it all the time looking things up.” She threaded her fingers through Peggy’s. “I’m lonely. I miss the guys. My team. And…” Her voice completely failed.

 

“You just lost Bucky, that’s right.” Peggy squeezed her hand. “We looked for him after the war. We had hoped to bring both of you back home and bury you together. But we couldn’t find him, either.”

 

“I met him when I was fifteen, and after that…. It’s like, all my memories involve him in some way. He was my best friend.” More than that, but it didn’t feel right to say that to Peggy. Because she loved Peggy, she did, but she loved Bucky, too. But it hadn’t mattered, because to Bucky, Steve was just… Steve. His best friend and brother. He hadn’t felt the same way about her.

 

“At SHIELD, we had a plaque erected where we added names of our fallen. Bucky’s was one of the first name we added.”

 

“Thank you.” She sniffed.

 

Peggy turned and kissed her cheek. “Are you making friends? I saw you on TV with a new team. Are any of them friendly?”

 

“Kind of. The archer, Clint. He helped me out after the battle. I had a panic attack, and he talked me down. Then he came over, and we watched some movies. Before he took off, he told me to text or call if I needed to talk. And Natasha seemed nice. I guess I’ll be training with her when she comes back to SHIELD.” She licked her lips. “Clint knows.”

 

“Knows what?”

 

“About me. He figured it out, I didn’t tell him. He was good about it.”

 

“You didn’t tell anyone else?”

 

She shook her head. “I’m so used to it being a secret…”

 

“It doesn’t have to be any more. You can be what you are without fear.”

 

“I know. It’s just… hard. I still feel weird anytime I say anything. And I feel exposed. Like something bad is going to happen.” 

 

“I won’t lie and pretend nothing bad will never happen. There are still people who aren’t accepting of this sort of thing. Luckily, you’re a super soldier, so you don’t have to worry about being attacked. Or, at least, you’ll be able to hold your own. There are terrible things…” She stopped talking and shook her head. “But your team. You can trust them. And it would be better in the long run to show some faith in them up front. Not leave it to be something they discover.”

 

“You think so?”

 

Peggy nodded. “People resent it when they think others don’t trust them. Even if they have no right to a secret. It’s your right to keep your identity to yourself for as long as you want. But there are consequences and one of those is broken trust, which is hard when it’s a team who needs to work together to save the world. Just think about it. Think how you would feel if someone you knew and trusted told you they’d been hiding something from you, even if it was justified.”

 

“I’d probably feel betrayed.”

 

“Yes. So.” Peggy smiled. “The worst thing that can happen is they refuse to fight alongside of you. And, trust me, Nick Fury isn’t going to choose anyone else over you. You’re Captain America. You’re the leader of the team.”

 

“I guess.”

 

“Did any of your men know? Beside Bucky?”

 

“Falsworth knew. He figured it out. Morita… um.” She blushed hotly. “He saw me.”

 

Peggy grinned and wrinkled her nose. “Do I want to know what he saw you doing?”

 

“Probably not. Sufficed to say, it was something that didn’t leave a lot of room open for confusion. He thought it was a dream at first, but Bucky kept pestering him, and he realized it was real. I don’t know what he would have done. He was angry and snappish around me, but still followed orders. And then Bucky died, and he told me it didn’t matter. That I was his captain.” She shrugged. “He could have told Phillips.”

 

“But he didn’t. And now days…”

 

“They could go to the papers.”

 

“But they can’t do anything to you. Oh, you’ll be tried in the court of public opinion. Some people will condemn you. You’ll be a hero to others. You’ll get hate. You’ll get love. But, Steve, that’s going to happen anyway. No matter what you do, you’ll be loved and hated in equal measure. Just remember, all that matters is the people you care about. Those who you love and esteem. You’ll have their love and support no matter what you do.” She turned Steve’s face and gazed into her eyes. “You’ll always have my love.”

 

This time, when Steve kissed her, she kissed back longer. But she still pulled away far too soon.

 

There was an awkward pause before Steve said, “What did you do after the war? Besides found SHIELD.”

 

She laughed and leaned back against the couch. “Well. I moved to New York and worked for the SSR. It wasn’t easy, because they didn’t let me do much. I had to prove myself over and over again, prove that I was an agent and not a glorified secretary.”

 

“Doors closing in your face, huh?”

 

“Well, they tried. But I kept sticking my foot in the door and forcing my way back in. I actually had quite a lot of adventures.”

 

“Tell me.”

 

She smiled, looking a little wicked, and started to tell Steve about the time Howard was accused of selling weapons to the enemy, and how she’d saved his reputation and his life.

 

She’d been talking for about a little over an hour when the door opened and Diane came in. “Mom? Sorry, Steve. But I really think it’s time for Mom to rest.”

 

“Diane, please, I’m perfectly fine.”

 

“Mom.”

 

Peggy sighed and then nodded. “Oh, very well. I’m so sorry, Steve.”

 

“That’s fine. I can come back another day. Right?” She looked from Peggy to Diane and back again.

 

She nodded. “I’m all right with that. But aren’t you living in New York?”

 

“I’m moving here. I need a change, and Nick Fury said I could train out of the Triskelion. I’ll be by you. We’ll see each other lots.” She stood.

 

Peggy rose as well. “I’ll hold you to that. And you can call me, too.”

 

“Diane has my number. If you ever want to talk…”

 

Peggy stepped into Steve and hugged her tightly. “I’m so glad you’re back. And it’ll get better. Believe me, I know how hard change is. But you will adjust.”

 

“I know.”

 

“And always remember that I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.” She kissed Peggy’s cheek and then let go. “I’ll see you soon.”

 

“Good-bye.”

 

***

Steve made it back to her hotel room before her eyes start to leak. She lay, curled in the middle of the bed, face wet with tears. It’s a gentle sort of thing. They just fell, one after another until they were a flood, streaming down her cheeks, dripping down her neck. She didn’t even feel like she was crying. She was too numb to do anything, and crying takes effort. This was… this was something else.

 

The shadows have lengthen and the room has grown dark before Steve is roused by the sound of her phone.

 

Sniffing, she sat up and swiped at her face. Her phone was on the nightstand, lit up and buzzing almost merrily. For an irrational moment, she hated it.

 

“Hello?” she said. Her voice sounded choked and phlegmy, like she had a bad cold.

 

There was a beat of silence, then, “Hey, Steve.” Clint. “How’d things go with Peggy today?”

 

She sniffed and swiped at her nose with the back of her hand. “Great. It was good. She had a really good day and was, uh, lucid and stuff. She never seemed confused or anything about who I was.”

 

“That’s good. And she was happy to see you?”

 

“Yeah.” Steve fell silent. She sniffed again.

 

“And are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

 

Another beat of silence, then, “You don’t sound fine.”

 

And that made the tears fall faster. “I’m fine. I’m fine, really. I’m…”

 

“If you say you’re fine one more time, I’m calling Natasha and telling her to go check on you. Because you say you’re fine, but what I hear is that you’re two seconds away from blowing your brains out.”

 

“No, I’m…” She stopped before she said fine again. Grabbed a tissue from the nightstand and wiped her nose again. That stopped up feeling in her heart happened again, where it was hot and tight and painful. “I’m, um. It’s just a little hard. She said she would have done anything to be with me, and, I mean, it was nice to hear. It was. But it doesn’t do me any good, because we can’t be together. I can’t have that life and…”

 

“You’re mourning.”

 

She nodded. “No. It’s not like she’s dead.

 

“No, it’s exactly what it is. You’re mourning for the life you could have had. I’d be a mess, too.” There was a beat of silence. Then Clint said, “So, she remembered about you?”

 

“Yeah. Maybe it’s better. I mean, if I hadn’t died, she’d never have had kids. I couldn’t have given her that.”

 

“Maybe with you, she wouldn’t have wanted kids. People want different lives with different people. I never thought… Look. Be glad she had the life she did. But don’t act like you didn’t matter to her. That she wouldn’t have been happy to live her life with you even without kids. I mean, maybe you could have adopted.”

 

“Maybe.” She wiped her eyes and sighed. “I’m glad I got to see her.”

 

“You going to see her again?”

 

“I hope so. She said she’d like to see me again.”

 

“Good. What are you doing right now?”

 

She rubbed her head, feeling like she was getting a headache. “Nothing. Just… sitting here.”

 

“You need something to distract yourself. Wallowing in misery isn’t going to help you. It’s okay for a while, but now you’ve got to get yourself together and do something. Have you eaten yet?”

 

“No.”

 

“So, go wash your face, go out to dinner. Don’t order room service, get out of the hotel room. After you eat, take a walk around the National Mall because it’s beautiful at night. Then, when your head is clear, you can go back to your room and read or watch a movie.”

 

She let out a breath. “Only problem is, the only thing playing on TV are modern movies. I can’t keep up with them, not yet. I’m still in the fifties on movies.”

 

“You have your laptop? Because you can get Netflix on it. Just need your username and password.”

 

“Oh. Okay, then. Any recommendations?”

 

“Well, we never watched The Apartment the other night, so there’s that. Or, if you want a romantic movie, there’s… Shoot!”

 

A loud cry sounded in the background over the line.

 

“Everything all right?”

 

“Yeah, it’s fine, but I’ve got to go put out a fire. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

 

“Yeah, sure.”

 

“Later.” Clint hung up.

 

Steve hung up and leaned against the headboard. She really didn’t feel like going out, but Clint was probably right. Sitting in her room crying wasn’t going to accomplish anything. It’d just make her feel worse. 

 

So, she dressed, washed her face, and headed out. 

 

Time to start living.

 

Fin


End file.
